Internal Acceptance.

I'm going to start using this for my Internal Acceptance movement I'm going to work on.

Every day I'm going to post a picture about a body part or something that relates to something I like about myself, and then explain why I like it.

I'm hoping that through this, I'll be able to start accepting myself more, and see where I can go with it.

I'm just hoping it'll open up my eyes to myself,
and maybe start loving myself for once.

Imagine:

You’re sitting in a busy, noisy room. All of a sudden, it’s quiet. The earth just feels still, and you feel like for a moment, it’s only you. Nothing else is around, it’s just quiet. After a few moments, you begin hearing noise again, and you snap back into reality, realizing that while you were stuck in that moment, the world continued on without you. The noise and rush of the room comes back to your sense, overwhelming them.

And you realize that the moment you tuned everything out and the earth stood still… it was the most peaceful moment in weeks.

I wonder if that’s what death is like.

Failure.

High School:
I was the girl with struggles, but held it together through the end of the day.
The girl who had visible and invisible scars.
The girl who strived, worked hard, and succeeded.
I was that girl that could go into ANY audition or interview, confident and usually it paid off.
I always held my head high, walked into any room like I owned it.
When in class, I was the kid who sat there quietly and finished the homework.
Who studied quietly, finishing assignments with ease and precision.
I wasn't intimidated easily, I embraced new opportunities to grow.
I volunteered, and was the best I could be.
Always on the honor roll, always above 3.5 GPA.
Involved in many clubs, and other extra curriculars.
I balanced Choir, Band, Being President of GSA, school work, dance, theatre, being part of Large group theatre, having a job and so much more.
Still succeeded in everything I did.
And still had time for myself, and doing my own thing.
At the end of the day, I was successful.
I graduated in the top 15% of my class,
graduated with National Honor Society title.
With all of those activities.
I accomplished so much in high school.

And now...
What do I have to say for myself?
I no longer live up to those expectations that I had.
Somehow in the matter of a year,
Holding it together stopped coming naturally.
I became depressed, developed anxiety
to the point of where it's crippling.
I can't even make it through everything.
I'm unfocused, not motivated.
I'm struggling to keep my grades up.
Any new experience scares the hell out of me.
My anxiety gets the best of me 90% of the time.
I can hardly keep up with anything.
I had to drop my extra-curriculars so I could strictly focus on school.
I've had to transfer schools,
I'm scared of failing completely.
And yet, I see it happening in front of my eyes.
I'm afraid of failing.
I'm scared that my depression will be the end of me.
The thing that makes me drop out of school,
not be successful.
I'm using all these resources,
and seeing no progress.
I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for anybody.
That no matter where I go, what I do, or how hard I try,
I will never get anywhere in life.
I'll be stuck like this.

I brutally honest to God hate who I've become.
I hate who I am now.
I want to be the old me again.
But I can't.
My anxiety and depression are going to get in the way.
I can try to brush it off,
I can act like it's no big deal,
I can try to not let these thoughts get to me,
but the reality is still there.
The feelings, thoughts are still there.
I can control it to some extent....
But not enough to get me back to that. I'm not proud of who I am now.
And if I'm not proud of me,

Who the hell  should be?

and who the hell will be?

A Simple Reminder of my Relationship.

A Leap of Faith

Faith.
What does it truly mean?
Does it mean going to church every Sunday?
Does it mean reading a Bible?
Or is it simply something inside ourselves?

Everyone's definitions are going to be different.
For me, it's something bigger than ourselves.
Something beyond our own beings.
It's this high power that surrounds us,
watches us, keeps us,
but not just that.
It's believing in that being.

Yes, this is going to be a blog about my own spirituality and faith.
It can be touchy.
And I understand not everyone is going to agree with me.
But I feel like right now, I'm unable to just talk to people about it.
So I need to write it out.
If you don't want to know, then you should probably stop here.
I haven't been able to have a good discussion about faith.
About my journey with God.
And I don't really know where to turn to with such an intimate subject.
So blog, here I am.


It's not been an easy journey.
Or something that just easily came to me.
I've been struggling to get to this part of my life.
And granted, I'm not 100% perfect.
Nor will I be for awhile.
Or ever. Because noone is perfect.
But I'm trying to work on being my best.

Spirituality.
Honestly if you would've asked me before I moved to Clarke,
I would've told you I don't really have a belief.
It was a part of my life I didn't reflect.
A part of me I just ignored and suppressed.

From the beginning
I was raised Catholic.
To me, religion was....
going to church on sundays.
dressing up for mass on holidays.
going through the motions.
forgetting about church until the next sunday.
And it continued like this for quite awhile.

When I was 13,
I was beginning a vicious cycle
of physical, emotional, and mental abuse
and cutting.
I felt so betrayed by God.
And I didn't understand why He would do such a thing
to me and my family.
I hated church from that point on.
I hated getting up.
I hated going.
It meant absolutely nothing to me.
I would make hateful comments towards God,
because I was so angry.
I felt he had just abandoned me.
And he never answered my prayers to make the pain stop.

Then, at the age of 15,
something miraculous happened.
I met someone who would become a special part
of my life, and who would ultimately
bring me back to God.
During the first few months of the relationship,
I was skeptical about faith.
I didn't see much of a point.
But she had such a great relationship with God,
and wanted to share that same experience with me.

Once I was 16 and able to drive,
I decided to give her youth group a shot.
Little did I know, it would be the ultimate thing for me.
At first, I wasn't really into it.
I was mostly there because she wanted me there.
I was searching for the spiritual meaning, but not too hard.

My first really big God experience,
was at a Christian concert that occurred in Burlington.
Fireflight, Thousand Foot Krutch, Kutless, and others were playing.
The youth group was going, so I was invited.
When I heard the name Kutless, I immediately jumped on the opportunity.
I mostly saw it as a getaway and just another concert.
It turned into so much more than that.
At one point, Fireflight was on the stage.
And I'll never forget the lead singer.
She had her band singing this one line of a song
behind her while she talked.
She asked us to bow our heads.
Out of respect, I did.

She said,
"Find something in your life, that you just are having a hard time dealing with.
Something that is causing so much pain and weight on your shoulders.
Think of it really hard.
Now hold out your hand, and imagine that problem in your palm.
Close your hand into a tight fist,
and lift it up in the air.
Lift it up to God, and ask him to take that burden from you.
Let him take your pain, your suffering,
and give it all to him."
We all sang the line softly under our breaths while everyone focused.
I had put my dad's abuse into my fist.
And in that moment,
I all of a sudden felt light.
I felt free.
I felt the pain just leave.
And I began crying.
And in that moment, I found God.

I was held, and asked if I was alright.
I looked her right in the eye,
and told her what had just happened to me.
And we hugged.
It was truly an incredible experience.
And from there, my relationship with God was strong and intimate.
I could feel his love in my life.
I had stopped cutting.
And within a week of the concert,
the abuse subsided.
And for a year of my life, I was truly happy.

I shared my experience with a couple others in my youth group,
and they agreed that God had done something wonderful to me.

After the relationship ended,
I lost God.
I continued to go to youth group for awhile,
until I felt like I was no longer welcome.
And from there, I lost my faith, my relationship,and that part of me left.

God knows that since then,
I have been through Hell and back.
Even though I stopped believing in Him.
I questioned it a lot.
I dated plenty of people after,
but none of them were in touch with God or their faith.
Therefore, I wasn't either.

During these times, there were moments God was present,
And I ignored Him.
Completely ignored God and His works.
During my time at Mount Mercy,
It was a Catholic school and believed in spirituality.
But it didn't seem too emphasized.
I kept with my strained relationship
unsure how I felt or what I believed.
There were definetely moments
when God was trying to reenter my life,
and I pushed him back away.

My friend Allyn found a new church through her CORE group,
and asked me to join her for mass.
So we went with our friend Mila.
God was trying to show Himself to me.
And after the mass, I questioned myself a LOT.
Yet, I ended up going back into my normal routine.
And it seemed that moment had hardly any effect on my life.

Then I went through my anxiety.
Transitioning to Clarke has been a hard experience.
And yes, it still is.
And I'm working on getting the help I need.
I'm currently enrolled in a Foundations of Spiritual Life class.
At first, I had the attitude of,
"Oh great. A religion class."
But it hasn't been like that at all.
It's actually been a great reflection on my life.
And it's made me think about where I'm at and what I want.

Last Thursday, I hit rock bottom.
I was contemplating suicide.
I felt like I was burden to everyone
and that I didn't need to bother everyone with my issues anymore.
With the help of my girlfriend Lindsay, RA, and one of my other best friends,
I struggled, but made it through the night to see the next day.

This weekend though, I felt I truly was beginning to find God.
I seeked for a Bible verse to get me through my depression,
and used it as inspiration to keep going.
 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

I used that to remind myself that there was hope.
And God saw that as an opportunity to reshow Himself.
And this time, I saw it.

I volunteered for Into The Streets on Saturday to kick off our homecoming.
It was cold,
It was early in the morning,
I got poked with thorns with gloves with holes,
dealt with a mean nun,
and did NOT complain.
Because I saw it as doing God's work.
I felt good helping others.
I felt satisfied with myself.

And later that day, God showed his miracle to some girls on my floor.
We were able to witness the birth of a calf.
And it was one of the most beautiful things.
Watching a creature come into the world.
In return for doing His work,
He showed us one of His gifts and miracles.
We named the calf Benny Clarke, after Mary Benedict Hall, our dorm at Clarke.
It was such an intimate bonding moment for us all,
and to be able to pet Benny after being born
was truly just a gift and miracle.

Then for religion class,
We had to read A Gift Of Peace by Joseph Cardinal Bernardin.
And I saw a lot of myself in the book,
found it very relatable,
and gained a lot of insight through it.
I found myself wanting to become a better person.
I've just felt closer spiritually to God.

And apparently, my refound faith has shown.
I'm more loving towards my girlfriend,
treating her the best I can.
I want to know more about her,
what makes her the way she is,
when I get impatient or get snippy,
I immediately apologize for my wrong doing.
I'm finding myself working harder to make the relationship
work and functional.
And to become everything she needs and wants in life.

My name is Kelsey Fenton.
And I have refound God.

Happiness

is a blessing.
It's a miracle of life,
being happy.
It's something we take for granted every day.
We don't think about happiness,
we just are happy.
We feel alive.
We feel this height of empowerment in our veins.
When we are happy, that is.
We are emotional creatures,
a thing we yet again take for granted.
We don't think of our emotions too in depth.
Usually just I'm happy, I'm sad, etc.
This is WHY I feel this way, etc.
Being able to express love, sadness, anger, happiness.
Something we yet again don't think about as a "blessing"
but it is.
I sure as hell know I take it for granted.
Or at least, don't really think about how it's a blessing.

Because I've lived through the period where I was numb.
The point in life when I just felt absolutely no emotions.
I was an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions of daily living.
Except, I didn't want to live.
Half of the time, my thoughts were suicidal.
Part of it was stress, hating how things were school wise, stress wise, just everything.
But mostly, I just hated FEELING that way.
I loathed the feeling with a deep passion.
I felt some emotions,
but I couldn't physically show them.
I thought I was, but I wasn't.
I just couldn't stand how I was living.
I've lived with clinical depression on and off during my life,
ever since I was 13.
But I've NEVER felt something so god awful in my life.
My sense of being just felt so useless.
Worthless.
Where's the quality of life?
Being on those meds, was probably one of my lower points in life.

And yet, I'm still here.
I had a week of peace within myself.
Happiness. Emotion.
I could FEEL again.
And now I'm back into this whirlwind.
And I wonder....
If I'll ever just be able to feel free?
Or if this depression will always take over
the best of me?

Where do you go...

when the darkness blinds your path?
Making you unable to see the light?
Where do you turn?
How can you see what's around you?
How do you show emotion
when it won't show?
Does everything have to be external?
What do you do when it's all buried deep,
unable to show itself on the surface.
How can you show love or sadness?
You feel trapped in the madness.
Withering away.
Watching yourself fall away.
Fall from life itself.
Decayed.
Every dark, morbid thought consumes you.
But you push it aside.
It sticks to your being lke glue.
You can't escape the evil.
Can't escape yourself.
Your own downfall.
A downward spiral into the depths of Hell.
You question yourself daily on if you can even last another day.
Wondering what tomorrow will bring.
If you're going to have a good or bad day.
If you'll even want to get up in the morning.
The motivation is fading away.
The motivation to keep going.
You're never good enough for anyone.
Nothing you do is right for anyone.
You're failing at everything you do.
No matter WHAT you do, or try,
Noone is ever happy.
You're always losing.
You feel so far gone.
So seperated when you're surrounded.
The things you once love are vanished.
You feel like a zombie living.
You're there.... but you're not.
You're just taking up space.
Just existing. But hardly.
You're going through the motions.
And you wonder when things will be different.
Or if they'll be different.
When everything will get better.
Because everything WILL get better....
..........right?

It's always darkest before the dawn

When your soul feels trapped with nowhere to go,
the madness creeps into every crevice of you.
The poison leaks to your blood stream,
making its way to destroy the rest of what's left.
It drains every part you once knew
and makes room for the black hole
that is working its way to consume everything inside.
In the end, you're left with nothing.
You've become a shallow casket waiting to be buried.
An empty shell where your heart, soul, dreams and passion
Withered and decayed.

My personal turning page

Where I hear silence,
I can hear your melody play.
Where I see the darkness,
I see your light rush through my veins.
Where I cannot taste the sweetness on my buds,
I can still taste your lips against mine.
Where I feel the seriousness in life,
I can feel your laughter fly.
When I get down and seem not enough,
Your "You're enough" is all I need.
When I want to hide who I am,
Your love opens the locked doors within.
When I think I'm alone,
Your prescence reamins in my heart.
When I'm sad and sheding tears,
You manage to make me smile and blush.
Why I'm falling in love with you,
That's a mystery that Holmes cannot solve.
Why I still feel your touch and embrace,
I never question, I let it remain.
Why you love me, I'll never fully know,
But I hope your feelings never change.
I love you now, I loved you then,
My love will grow til who knows when.

When the crossroads in life take me down a new path.

I panic.
I'm a person who has dreams, and has goals.
I'm a set person with them.
When I want something, I aim for it.
I'm a driven person
I have a very specific way I like my life to go
with some fluidity of course.

I'm a daydreamer.
I constantly dream about the future.
What it could bring.
Things that could happen.
Usually, positive things.
About how college will go,
how my relationship will go,
how someday I'll end up being engaged.
getting married.
I like to keep my life intact.
And imagine it a certain way.
Like for example,
I'm going to go to Mount Mercy University,
Graduate in 2015 with my BSN.

When life decides to throw curveballs, however,
I don't handle that well.
I don't like my plans not going a cetain way.
I don't like when my plans all fall to pieces.
When I have to renavigate my path.
I don't like facing that reality.
Change.
The fact that everything is completely different.

It's such a big deal to me.
Probably cause I grew up with slightly perfectionist parents
who had high expectations of me.
I always felt the pressure for perfection.
To always better myself.

That failure is the end of the world.
Never accept failure.
For any circumstance.
In my mind, I think subconsciously that's my problem.
This transition of
Go to Clarke University
Graduate in 2016 with my BSN.
Instead of my initial plan.
I see it as failing.

Especially since my parents were SO against my transferring.
Even though it was to a school that my dad and brother both went to.
And the school they wanted me to initially go to anyway.
They wanted me to stay at MMU.
Suck it up.
They thought I wasn't applying myself and I had basically given up there.
Because I basically had.
Retaking 3 classes?
One of them for the THIRD TIME?
Yeah, failure.
I couldn't deal with that reality.
Especially with the way I was being treated by faculty.
By my parents.

I totally could've done it.
I could've stayed, passed the classes, and moved on with life.
Stayed with my friends.
Stayed with my familiar enviornment.

But my anxiety got the best of me.
I would've been depressed.
I would've had really really bad anxiety.
And it was almost not worth it.
It's not worth that pain I would've dealt with.
I have such great friends there,
But it's not worth it.
Not worth it at all.

This new transition,
I think I'll be much happier.
Hopefully in a better mental and emotional place.
I know it's going to be better for me.
But the path getting there wasn't/isn't easy.

Choosing to even leave was one of the hardest decisions by far that I've made.
And I'm still struggling with it.
I don't regret it,
But I wish I didn't have to change my entire life plan.

But at the same time,
I'm kind of thankful.
It's a new EVERYTHING.
So this time, I'm hoping I can make everything work out.
For the better.

The transition.

Many questions are floating in my head at this very moment.
Why am I still up at 3 am? Am I more scared than I thought about going to a new school? Is my anxiety just kicking in? Or is it the new meds I started taking for my anxiety?

Either way, I've been contemplating it.
Lately, I've been all "I'm ready to get settled into my dorm. Get back into a routine. Start making friends and creating new memories. The closer it gets, the more excited I am."
But inside,
I'm screaming my bloody head off.
And I'm supressing it and holding it in.

Last year around this time, I was packing and getting ready for my first EVER college experience. I was FINALLY moving away from home, out of my parent's house, away from Burlington, and to a new city where noone knew me and I could just be myself.
I was suuuuuper excited.
But once I got to the hill, I automatically was struck with fear.
I left all my friends behind. I don't have anyone. My parents will be leaving me. I don't like my parents, but I'm at least familar with them. I'm unaware of everything around me.
And it scared the HELL out of me. Hardcore.
The next few days, followed texts of me panicking, being upset, and having a few mental anxiety attacks along with a few mental meltdowns.
In a few of my texts, the words "I HATE IT. I want to go home already. I don't like being here. I don't know anyone. I'm starting to regret this." popped into my mind. There were a few nights where phone calls were made that consisted of me crying my eyes out, and talking about how much I just did NOT want to be there.
Of course, once classes started and I became more familiar with my surroundings, I started calming down a lot more. I settled down, and I started off a pretty nice school year.

Now, I can't say it was a PERFECT school year. Definitely not what I thought I was signing myself up for and definitely not how freshman year should've been.

And now I'm given this fresh start.
This clean slate with everything.
And my biggest fear is that I'm going to relive the anxiety that I dealt with last year.
Because even though I have an understanding on how college works,
It's a whole new campus.
New friends (that I have to still attempt to make)
New dorm life.
New roommate (who I haven't met in person.)
New everything.
And I don't want everything to just fall to hell all over again.
This year, I'm determined to keep myself sane.
Watch myself better, keep better balance of how things in my life are.
But that doesn't take away the fear that lays deep down in me.
Last year, I had my roommate to learn everything with, and be able to follow her to get an idea of things.
This year, my roommate's a returning student and won't be there for 3 additional days, leaving me in the room alone. Leaving me to figure out how things run... alone.
And it's all just a scary situation.
It's a complete change to how things are.
I'm going to be even further away from home, which means no random trips home.
I yet again will have no income for awhile at least. Hopefully find a job a month or two into the school year when I get more settled.
And of course, fall is the worst time of year for me. It's the time of year when if my depression is gonna hit me, it's gonna hit me really good right there.
I can't even imagine what life is going to be like up in Dubuque.
I got so use to Cedar Rapids. And grew to love it.
And now I've got to relearn everything.
New city, new enviornment, new campus, new school system.
And it's overwhelming as all hell.

Am I excited? Yes.
But I'm still nervous and having anxiety, even though I try not to show it.
I try to think positively on the whole situation, because I know I'll be successful at Clarke and do better.
I know that academically, it makes more sense for me.
But it doesn't change the fact that everything in my life is changing, again,
And it was a lot harder to make this decision than anything else in my life.
I'm leaving all my comforts from home AND college behind.
And I'm starting this new adventure into the unknown.
New everything.

Ready or not, Wednesday is it. I just hope I can handle it....

Love Advice

So, as part of my moving forward in life phase, I've been really thinking about what I'm looking for in a relationship. Because, let's face it, there's no point just putting yourself in the same situation over and over... even though I'm completely guilty of doing so.
But I'm trying to keep some standards up now. I want a relationship that's going to be good for me.
Watching some people's relationships through social networking sites, I've caught myself occasionally thinking about stuff I've learned and what I really wish I could say, but won't since it's not my relationship to work out and since they didn't ask for it.
So I've been really thinking about this: What is some advice I've learned over the past few years that I not only give out, but that I should really start following myself for standards?
So, my thoughts on relationships for me (because obviously, not every relationship will work the same, and not everyone will want to follow this and it'll work out completely fine):

• Never leave the one you love for the one you like.
  Seriously. I've learned that one the hard way. You have a better chance fixing whatever is wrong with the one you love. If you go for the one you like, chances are it's not going to work out and then you're just overall fucked.
• Trust is a big key to a relationship.
  Never just completely give your trust out, because they should have to earn some. At the same time though, if they have never given you a reason to NOT trust them, there's no point in holding something against them that's never actually happened, and they deserve to have that initial trust to build off of.
• Communication is another key to a good relationship.
  Let's face it, if you never fucking talk about your problems, you're never going to solve anything and it's eventually going to just fall through anyway. So you might as well be able to openly discuss certain issues, and work together on things.... or it'll all just fall to shit because you aren't willing to discuss the problem and work on how you can solve it with me.
• Each relationship is a new person, new experiences, NEW EVERYTHING.
  So in otherwords, don't pull grudges from your old relationship in your new one. I understand sometimes when you've been through the same shit over and over, you'll have trust issues. But accusing someone of doing something they haven't even done, BIG no-no. Almost a guaranteed break up right there, or at least it is for me. This goes back to the trust thing. If the person has never given you a reason to not trust them, then fucking trust them. By saying things like "You're going to cheat on me since everyone else I've dated has.", you're basically saying you have absolutely no trust in them, and you're not even giving them a chance to prove that they are better than that. Exactly why I do not tolerate that shit, because if you're not even going to bother giving me a chance, why the fuck should I waste my time on you? Don't compare me to your exes, because I'm a completely different person than them. (If you can't tell, this is something I have a big problem with.)
• It's the little things in a relationship that can make some of the biggest impacts.So, let's say on some random day, you just buy a simple rose. Or just hold the door open. Or a tiny little sweet kiss on the hand or cheek. It's cheap, simple, and it's not asking for much. And it's completely romantic and sweet. And sometimes, those little things can just make the bond that much stronger. It's incredible. One thing I learned to do (which has sort of been an issue in the past) is to put my phone away. I use to text alllll the time. Now, I can tell a difference in when I put my phone away and pay more attention, and when I'm busy on the phone. So it's something I try to consider now.

Just a few things from my past that I've noticed and things I'm striving towards in my future for relationships. It's things I want, need, and could ask for in a relationship. I know I have loads more in my head, but currently I'm drawing a blank on some other things so I'll leave it there. However, I know I'll get to where the relationship WON'T be perfect (because it never will be, it's part of being human) but at least super functional and amazing. And someday, I will find someone truly incredible and special. I've been a bit pessimistic lately, but things are looking up, I hope for the better. :)

Home is where my brother is.

Andrew came back to the US approx. on July 4th. He spent the first week in Vegas with Traci and their dog Jazzy.

He arrived in Iowa on July 9th around 9:30.

The first day I actually got to spend time with him was on Thursday the 12th. I met up with my family at my Grandma's assisted living home. We had a very nice hug until his back hurt him too much (he has a slipped disc from Afghanistan.) and then gave Traci a hug, then of course, Grandma.
We had a very nice visit with her. And exciting news; THE WEDDING DATE HAS BEEN SET!
June 22, 2013. JUNE 29, 2013. (date got changed)
I'm pretty excited! There's also a bridal shower in March that I'll hopefully be going to. Traci showed me the potential bridesmaids dresses, which are adorable! I guess while Andrew's back, they will do cake testing and figuring out some other details.
Anyway, after that we had a family gathering in Iowa City with some family so they could see Andrew again. Then we all departed for the evening.

Friday I worked in the morning and then came home for the weekend.
We went to Carlos O Kelly's with some of Andrew's friends and of course my immediate family. I became DD for the night, since Andrew and his friends didn't know how crazy they'd get. They weren't even that drunk and it turned out fine.

Saturday Andrew and I went to his friend Lisa's to play with Hayley Jo and Hayden (her kids). Lisa and Andrew are really good friends. Traci was going to join us, but was feeling awful from a headache. We had a lot of fun. HayJo didn't really take to me at first, but once she saw Lisa talking to me, she opened up more to the idea and began playing with me too.
They climbed trees, played in the sprinkler and on the swing set. We eventually went out seperate ways for the day, but overall it was really fun. :)
On the way there and back, Andrew and I had some heart-to-heart serious talks, which was actually kind of nice. He told me if I find a date for the wedding, he'll talk to my mom and dad so that I can have my someone go with me, because he thinks it's not fair. So hopefully I can find that special someone (<3)

 Maya, Andrew, HayJo.

 Hayden and Andrew. :)

Andrew, HayJo (left) and her friend Maya.

That night we went to Pizza hut and ate (yum) and saw Ted. Granted, it was my second time seeing it but it was still really funny. Then we went back to the house, and I went and hung out with my friend Coleton, dyed his hair, and talked with my friend Chey.

Sunday was Brian's birthday. I guess Andrew and Traci sang to him at midnight. Haha. Of course we had to go to church. But my mom was a happy momma to have the entire family there. Afterwards we went to Gator's to eat, but no birthday song for Brian. Traci and I went to go get him a George Foreman grill for his gift, got some sister bonding in there. We also had some heart-to-hearts which was nice. Brian headed out shortly after and it was a pretty relaxed afternoon of nothingness. So I caught up on my Glee Project.

That night Andrew and Traci were being dumb. I guess they were being silly and Traci ended up laughing so hard that when she stopped she was coughing. She was concerned that she was having a stroke.... Which she obviously wasn't. And then she told me she doesn't believe in soulmates. When I asked her what Andrew was to her then, her response was "Lesbian Life Partner."

Monday I said my goodbyes, and hopefully I'll see Traci again in March (if not sooner).

It was really great having my brother home, and even more of a relief that he's in a safer place now. He will probably be leaving Germany in the next year since the base is closing, so he will be reassigned.

Thank god for my brother and future sister. <3

Literally moving forward: Starting a completely new chapter

Well, a few significant things have occurred it seems.

First off, I started talking to this girl after turning down another because I felt absolutely nothing with her. She showed dangerous signs that I recognized, and backed down before it got serious. and i'm honestly proud of myself for that at least. I have found strength through this break up to know what IS best for me and what I deserve.
Well anyway, this girl right? Absolutely incredible. Granted, yeah she struggles with depression. And she said she wishes she could make me as happy as I make her. But I'm a simple person. We hung out a few times. And I felt a sincere connection... like I can't even explain it. But through the little things, she's showed me that deep down somewhere, there is someone truly incredible. So I began to like her. At the same time though, I kept my guard up so I wouldn't fall too hard, too fast. But I was convinced that there was a possibility of something happening between us.
Well, a few days ago, she friendzoned me. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It was bad timing really since I've been under SO much stress lately, and especially because with her... I actually began to feel somewhat normal again. I began feeling more than just "okay" every day. I started to get by a little better, and feeling something other than numbness or depression. I was calmer, and a lot more relaxed. I was beginning to warm up to the idea of someone else entering my life. And I thought things were going well.
At the end of the day, I understand that I can't force anyone to feel the same way I do about them. And all I can do is keep going, and hope that I'll cross paths with someone else who is absolutely amazing and can turn my world around. So I keep this slight hope up, but at the same time, I'm also losing a lot of my trust in it and becoming more pessimistic... which is probably bad since I'm such a hopeless romantic.
Even though now she confuses the hell out of me by sending mixed signals.

But anywho, my next dilemma is the bigger one.
It's been my main stresser for the past two weeks, and it sucks.

Unfortunately, I did NOT pass my Biology class like I needed to.
So now, I'm very sadly looking at possibly transferring schools.
I may or may not stay at MMU. Which sucks. All my friends are there already, but I just wonder if I'll actually be able to stay at this point or not.
So I put in applications to Clarke and DMACC.
And it's this huuuuuge toss up because the three possibilities have great potential to them.
It's super stressful and ultimately, I'm probably going to get hurt in one way or another.
It also sucks, because I feel so alone in my decision making process. Everyone seems to have their own bias towards a certain decision, whether they think they are or not. They don't realize the subtle hints and guilt trips.
So I basically vent it out, and then shut out everyone after. The second someone says ANYTHING about a decision, I turn my ears off. For once, I need to make a decision for me. And not for anyone else. It's hard enough as it is without hearing everyone's voice on it.
I'm just not in a very good place right now.
It's going to be such a hard decision.
And it's even worse, because right now,
I'm in this alone.

Moving Forward

Today, I went into the hair salon, just expecting to take a few inches off.

Initially, Kim (my hairdresser), just started off with it a little above my shoulders.
Something happened in the moment that I looked at it.

I looked at her and said, "Just take it all off. I feel bold, so let's just go with it."

I watched in anticipation, as I slowly watched my hair vanish from my head and onto the floor. Before I knew it, I had an adorable "edgy" bob. My hair hasn't been short since my junior year of high school- almost 3 years.

In that moment, seeing it, I was in complete shock, but loved the new look.
And then I saw it as;
Good bye long hair....
and hello to the new me.
I needed change in my life.
Something to just wake me up and realize that everything's different, but that I'm still me.

I absolutely love my hair.
I feel like it's a step in a positive direction.
I'm hoping from here on now, I can start making some changes.

All the drama- gone. I'm almost 20 years old. I don't want to deal with the drama that happens in high school. If people don't like me, it's simple: Delete me from your life.
If you hate me, noone is MAKING you hate me. Only you are making you hate me. I would know, because I've been hating myself for awhile now. And I'm the ONLY person stopping me from it.
If you honestly hate me that much, then why am I even on your friends list anymore? Just delete me. Simple as that.

Another positive step: I'm going to STOP hating me. I'm going to work on loving myself again. Seeing my positive traits, seeing my inner and outer beauty.

Which brings me to maintaining a good body, but being healthy with it.
Today I saw my friend Katie (yay!) and she told me something that I didn't realize because I was so busy hating myself and just beating myself up.
Apparently at the end of the school year, I was looking unhealthy. I was becoming scrawny, and lost my natural glow. I was lifeless, and wasting away.
I want to stay at a healthy weight, and feel good about my body, but I don't want to do it the wrong way. It might be hard to get use to loving my body the way it is, but I'm hoping I'll get around to it.

I've been dragging myself down too much lately.
It's time for me to be, well, me again.

As my favorite phrase goes;
C'est La Vie.
Such Is Life.

And it's time for me to move forward, and strive to be the best I can be.

I can only make myself stronger, now that I'm picking myself off the concrete, and letting the scrapes from the fall heal.

Living, Imagation, Dreaming, and Loving.

Live (your life to the fullest.)
Imagine (and be creative to your full ability)
Dream (of the goals and hopes)
Love (even when it all seems lost).

This is a safe space for my thoughts. A place where I can put all my hopes, thoughts, feelings down, away from the normal world, and be inspired without judgement.

I've been going through a lot lately, mentally and physically. It's hard on me to deal with everything. And it's nice to be able to release some tension through the best way I know how- writing.

Through this healing process, I'm hoping that somehow writing and letting it inspire me instead of bring me down, will help me continuously get better through this rough patch. Who knows, maybe it'll be continuous. Right now, I know it's just baby steps.

This might not even just be a release blog. Who knows what I'll actually do with it until I do it, right?

God will show me the way through this, and help me as He has in the past.

or so that's the hope.
The saying at the top of this? My own words. Something to try to give myself to think about when it seems all hopeless, as it does on my bad days.

It's something to remind me that when I feel there's nothing left inside, if I place my hand on my chest, as long as I feel that pulse against my palm, I have a purpose and that's my reason to keep going.

That saying gives me hope.
And I will continue on.
And maybe, something amazing will come out of this.
It's a day by day process,
And I'm determined to come out strong yet again.