Well, a few significant things have occurred it seems.
First off, I started talking to this girl after turning down another because I felt absolutely nothing with her. She showed dangerous signs that I recognized, and backed down before it got serious. and i'm honestly proud of myself for that at least. I have found strength through this break up to know what IS best for me and what I deserve.
Well anyway, this girl right? Absolutely incredible. Granted, yeah she struggles with depression. And she said she wishes she could make me as happy as I make her. But I'm a simple person. We hung out a few times. And I felt a sincere connection... like I can't even explain it. But through the little things, she's showed me that deep down somewhere, there is someone truly incredible. So I began to like her. At the same time though, I kept my guard up so I wouldn't fall too hard, too fast. But I was convinced that there was a possibility of something happening between us.
Well, a few days ago, she friendzoned me. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It was bad timing really since I've been under SO much stress lately, and especially because with her... I actually began to feel somewhat normal again. I began feeling more than just "okay" every day. I started to get by a little better, and feeling something other than numbness or depression. I was calmer, and a lot more relaxed. I was beginning to warm up to the idea of someone else entering my life. And I thought things were going well.
At the end of the day, I understand that I can't force anyone to feel the same way I do about them. And all I can do is keep going, and hope that I'll cross paths with someone else who is absolutely amazing and can turn my world around. So I keep this slight hope up, but at the same time, I'm also losing a lot of my trust in it and becoming more pessimistic... which is probably bad since I'm such a hopeless romantic.
Even though now she confuses the hell out of me by sending mixed signals.
But anywho, my next dilemma is the bigger one.
It's been my main stresser for the past two weeks, and it sucks.
Unfortunately, I did NOT pass my Biology class like I needed to.
So now, I'm very sadly looking at possibly transferring schools.
I may or may not stay at MMU. Which sucks. All my friends are there already, but I just wonder if I'll actually be able to stay at this point or not.
So I put in applications to Clarke and DMACC.
And it's this huuuuuge toss up because the three possibilities have great potential to them.
It's super stressful and ultimately, I'm probably going to get hurt in one way or another.
It also sucks, because I feel so alone in my decision making process. Everyone seems to have their own bias towards a certain decision, whether they think they are or not. They don't realize the subtle hints and guilt trips.
So I basically vent it out, and then shut out everyone after. The second someone says ANYTHING about a decision, I turn my ears off. For once, I need to make a decision for me. And not for anyone else. It's hard enough as it is without hearing everyone's voice on it.
I'm just not in a very good place right now.
It's going to be such a hard decision.
And it's even worse, because right now,
I'm in this alone.
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