The transition.

Many questions are floating in my head at this very moment.
Why am I still up at 3 am? Am I more scared than I thought about going to a new school? Is my anxiety just kicking in? Or is it the new meds I started taking for my anxiety?

Either way, I've been contemplating it.
Lately, I've been all "I'm ready to get settled into my dorm. Get back into a routine. Start making friends and creating new memories. The closer it gets, the more excited I am."
But inside,
I'm screaming my bloody head off.
And I'm supressing it and holding it in.

Last year around this time, I was packing and getting ready for my first EVER college experience. I was FINALLY moving away from home, out of my parent's house, away from Burlington, and to a new city where noone knew me and I could just be myself.
I was suuuuuper excited.
But once I got to the hill, I automatically was struck with fear.
I left all my friends behind. I don't have anyone. My parents will be leaving me. I don't like my parents, but I'm at least familar with them. I'm unaware of everything around me.
And it scared the HELL out of me. Hardcore.
The next few days, followed texts of me panicking, being upset, and having a few mental anxiety attacks along with a few mental meltdowns.
In a few of my texts, the words "I HATE IT. I want to go home already. I don't like being here. I don't know anyone. I'm starting to regret this." popped into my mind. There were a few nights where phone calls were made that consisted of me crying my eyes out, and talking about how much I just did NOT want to be there.
Of course, once classes started and I became more familiar with my surroundings, I started calming down a lot more. I settled down, and I started off a pretty nice school year.

Now, I can't say it was a PERFECT school year. Definitely not what I thought I was signing myself up for and definitely not how freshman year should've been.

And now I'm given this fresh start.
This clean slate with everything.
And my biggest fear is that I'm going to relive the anxiety that I dealt with last year.
Because even though I have an understanding on how college works,
It's a whole new campus.
New friends (that I have to still attempt to make)
New dorm life.
New roommate (who I haven't met in person.)
New everything.
And I don't want everything to just fall to hell all over again.
This year, I'm determined to keep myself sane.
Watch myself better, keep better balance of how things in my life are.
But that doesn't take away the fear that lays deep down in me.
Last year, I had my roommate to learn everything with, and be able to follow her to get an idea of things.
This year, my roommate's a returning student and won't be there for 3 additional days, leaving me in the room alone. Leaving me to figure out how things run... alone.
And it's all just a scary situation.
It's a complete change to how things are.
I'm going to be even further away from home, which means no random trips home.
I yet again will have no income for awhile at least. Hopefully find a job a month or two into the school year when I get more settled.
And of course, fall is the worst time of year for me. It's the time of year when if my depression is gonna hit me, it's gonna hit me really good right there.
I can't even imagine what life is going to be like up in Dubuque.
I got so use to Cedar Rapids. And grew to love it.
And now I've got to relearn everything.
New city, new enviornment, new campus, new school system.
And it's overwhelming as all hell.

Am I excited? Yes.
But I'm still nervous and having anxiety, even though I try not to show it.
I try to think positively on the whole situation, because I know I'll be successful at Clarke and do better.
I know that academically, it makes more sense for me.
But it doesn't change the fact that everything in my life is changing, again,
And it was a lot harder to make this decision than anything else in my life.
I'm leaving all my comforts from home AND college behind.
And I'm starting this new adventure into the unknown.
New everything.

Ready or not, Wednesday is it. I just hope I can handle it....