When the crossroads in life take me down a new path.

I panic.
I'm a person who has dreams, and has goals.
I'm a set person with them.
When I want something, I aim for it.
I'm a driven person
I have a very specific way I like my life to go
with some fluidity of course.

I'm a daydreamer.
I constantly dream about the future.
What it could bring.
Things that could happen.
Usually, positive things.
About how college will go,
how my relationship will go,
how someday I'll end up being engaged.
getting married.
I like to keep my life intact.
And imagine it a certain way.
Like for example,
I'm going to go to Mount Mercy University,
Graduate in 2015 with my BSN.

When life decides to throw curveballs, however,
I don't handle that well.
I don't like my plans not going a cetain way.
I don't like when my plans all fall to pieces.
When I have to renavigate my path.
I don't like facing that reality.
Change.
The fact that everything is completely different.

It's such a big deal to me.
Probably cause I grew up with slightly perfectionist parents
who had high expectations of me.
I always felt the pressure for perfection.
To always better myself.

That failure is the end of the world.
Never accept failure.
For any circumstance.
In my mind, I think subconsciously that's my problem.
This transition of
Go to Clarke University
Graduate in 2016 with my BSN.
Instead of my initial plan.
I see it as failing.

Especially since my parents were SO against my transferring.
Even though it was to a school that my dad and brother both went to.
And the school they wanted me to initially go to anyway.
They wanted me to stay at MMU.
Suck it up.
They thought I wasn't applying myself and I had basically given up there.
Because I basically had.
Retaking 3 classes?
One of them for the THIRD TIME?
Yeah, failure.
I couldn't deal with that reality.
Especially with the way I was being treated by faculty.
By my parents.

I totally could've done it.
I could've stayed, passed the classes, and moved on with life.
Stayed with my friends.
Stayed with my familiar enviornment.

But my anxiety got the best of me.
I would've been depressed.
I would've had really really bad anxiety.
And it was almost not worth it.
It's not worth that pain I would've dealt with.
I have such great friends there,
But it's not worth it.
Not worth it at all.

This new transition,
I think I'll be much happier.
Hopefully in a better mental and emotional place.
I know it's going to be better for me.
But the path getting there wasn't/isn't easy.

Choosing to even leave was one of the hardest decisions by far that I've made.
And I'm still struggling with it.
I don't regret it,
But I wish I didn't have to change my entire life plan.

But at the same time,
I'm kind of thankful.
It's a new EVERYTHING.
So this time, I'm hoping I can make everything work out.
For the better.