When your soul feels trapped with nowhere to go,
the madness creeps into every crevice of you.
The poison leaks to your blood stream,
making its way to destroy the rest of what's left.
It drains every part you once knew
and makes room for the black hole
that is working its way to consume everything inside.
In the end, you're left with nothing.
You've become a shallow casket waiting to be buried.
An empty shell where your heart, soul, dreams and passion
Withered and decayed.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
My personal turning page
Where I hear silence,
I can hear your melody play.
Where I see the darkness,
I see your light rush through my veins.
Where I cannot taste the sweetness on my buds,
I can still taste your lips against mine.
Where I feel the seriousness in life,
I can feel your laughter fly.
When I get down and seem not enough,
Your "You're enough" is all I need.
When I want to hide who I am,
Your love opens the locked doors within.
When I think I'm alone,
Your prescence reamins in my heart.
When I'm sad and sheding tears,
You manage to make me smile and blush.
Why I'm falling in love with you,
That's a mystery that Holmes cannot solve.
Why I still feel your touch and embrace,
I never question, I let it remain.
Why you love me, I'll never fully know,
But I hope your feelings never change.
I love you now, I loved you then,
My love will grow til who knows when.
I can hear your melody play.
Where I see the darkness,
I see your light rush through my veins.
Where I cannot taste the sweetness on my buds,
I can still taste your lips against mine.
Where I feel the seriousness in life,
I can feel your laughter fly.
When I get down and seem not enough,
Your "You're enough" is all I need.
When I want to hide who I am,
Your love opens the locked doors within.
When I think I'm alone,
Your prescence reamins in my heart.
When I'm sad and sheding tears,
You manage to make me smile and blush.
Why I'm falling in love with you,
That's a mystery that Holmes cannot solve.
Why I still feel your touch and embrace,
I never question, I let it remain.
Why you love me, I'll never fully know,
But I hope your feelings never change.
I love you now, I loved you then,
My love will grow til who knows when.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
When the crossroads in life take me down a new path.
I panic.
I'm a person who has dreams, and has goals.
I'm a set person with them.
When I want something, I aim for it.
I'm a driven person
I have a very specific way I like my life to go
with some fluidity of course.
I'm a daydreamer.
I constantly dream about the future.
What it could bring.
Things that could happen.
Usually, positive things.
About how college will go,
how my relationship will go,
how someday I'll end up being engaged.
getting married.
I like to keep my life intact.
And imagine it a certain way.
Like for example,
I'm going to go to Mount Mercy University,
Graduate in 2015 with my BSN.
When life decides to throw curveballs, however,
I don't handle that well.
I don't like my plans not going a cetain way.
I don't like when my plans all fall to pieces.
When I have to renavigate my path.
I don't like facing that reality.
Change.
The fact that everything is completely different.
It's such a big deal to me.
Probably cause I grew up with slightly perfectionist parents
who had high expectations of me.
I always felt the pressure for perfection.
To always better myself.
That failure is the end of the world.
Never accept failure.
For any circumstance.
In my mind, I think subconsciously that's my problem.
This transition of
Go to Clarke University
Graduate in 2016 with my BSN.
Instead of my initial plan.
I see it as failing.
Especially since my parents were SO against my transferring.
Even though it was to a school that my dad and brother both went to.
And the school they wanted me to initially go to anyway.
They wanted me to stay at MMU.
Suck it up.
They thought I wasn't applying myself and I had basically given up there.
Because I basically had.
Retaking 3 classes?
One of them for the THIRD TIME?
Yeah, failure.
I couldn't deal with that reality.
Especially with the way I was being treated by faculty.
By my parents.
I totally could've done it.
I could've stayed, passed the classes, and moved on with life.
Stayed with my friends.
Stayed with my familiar enviornment.
But my anxiety got the best of me.
I would've been depressed.
I would've had really really bad anxiety.
And it was almost not worth it.
It's not worth that pain I would've dealt with.
I have such great friends there,
But it's not worth it.
Not worth it at all.
This new transition,
I think I'll be much happier.
Hopefully in a better mental and emotional place.
I know it's going to be better for me.
But the path getting there wasn't/isn't easy.
Choosing to even leave was one of the hardest decisions by far that I've made.
And I'm still struggling with it.
I don't regret it,
But I wish I didn't have to change my entire life plan.
But at the same time,
I'm kind of thankful.
It's a new EVERYTHING.
So this time, I'm hoping I can make everything work out.
For the better.
I'm a person who has dreams, and has goals.
I'm a set person with them.
When I want something, I aim for it.
I'm a driven person
I have a very specific way I like my life to go
with some fluidity of course.
I'm a daydreamer.
I constantly dream about the future.
What it could bring.
Things that could happen.
Usually, positive things.
About how college will go,
how my relationship will go,
how someday I'll end up being engaged.
getting married.
I like to keep my life intact.
And imagine it a certain way.
Like for example,
I'm going to go to Mount Mercy University,
Graduate in 2015 with my BSN.
When life decides to throw curveballs, however,
I don't handle that well.
I don't like my plans not going a cetain way.
I don't like when my plans all fall to pieces.
When I have to renavigate my path.
I don't like facing that reality.
Change.
The fact that everything is completely different.
It's such a big deal to me.
Probably cause I grew up with slightly perfectionist parents
who had high expectations of me.
I always felt the pressure for perfection.
To always better myself.
That failure is the end of the world.
Never accept failure.
For any circumstance.
In my mind, I think subconsciously that's my problem.
This transition of
Go to Clarke University
Graduate in 2016 with my BSN.
Instead of my initial plan.
I see it as failing.
Especially since my parents were SO against my transferring.
Even though it was to a school that my dad and brother both went to.
And the school they wanted me to initially go to anyway.
They wanted me to stay at MMU.
Suck it up.
They thought I wasn't applying myself and I had basically given up there.
Because I basically had.
Retaking 3 classes?
One of them for the THIRD TIME?
Yeah, failure.
I couldn't deal with that reality.
Especially with the way I was being treated by faculty.
By my parents.
I totally could've done it.
I could've stayed, passed the classes, and moved on with life.
Stayed with my friends.
Stayed with my familiar enviornment.
But my anxiety got the best of me.
I would've been depressed.
I would've had really really bad anxiety.
And it was almost not worth it.
It's not worth that pain I would've dealt with.
I have such great friends there,
But it's not worth it.
Not worth it at all.
This new transition,
I think I'll be much happier.
Hopefully in a better mental and emotional place.
I know it's going to be better for me.
But the path getting there wasn't/isn't easy.
Choosing to even leave was one of the hardest decisions by far that I've made.
And I'm still struggling with it.
I don't regret it,
But I wish I didn't have to change my entire life plan.
But at the same time,
I'm kind of thankful.
It's a new EVERYTHING.
So this time, I'm hoping I can make everything work out.
For the better.
The transition.
Many questions are floating in my head at this very moment.
Why am I still up at 3 am? Am I more scared than I thought about going to a new school? Is my anxiety just kicking in? Or is it the new meds I started taking for my anxiety?
Either way, I've been contemplating it.
Lately, I've been all "I'm ready to get settled into my dorm. Get back into a routine. Start making friends and creating new memories. The closer it gets, the more excited I am."
But inside,
I'm screaming my bloody head off.
And I'm supressing it and holding it in.
Last year around this time, I was packing and getting ready for my first EVER college experience. I was FINALLY moving away from home, out of my parent's house, away from Burlington, and to a new city where noone knew me and I could just be myself.
I was suuuuuper excited.
But once I got to the hill, I automatically was struck with fear.
I left all my friends behind. I don't have anyone. My parents will be leaving me. I don't like my parents, but I'm at least familar with them. I'm unaware of everything around me.
And it scared the HELL out of me. Hardcore.
The next few days, followed texts of me panicking, being upset, and having a few mental anxiety attacks along with a few mental meltdowns.
In a few of my texts, the words "I HATE IT. I want to go home already. I don't like being here. I don't know anyone. I'm starting to regret this." popped into my mind. There were a few nights where phone calls were made that consisted of me crying my eyes out, and talking about how much I just did NOT want to be there.
Of course, once classes started and I became more familiar with my surroundings, I started calming down a lot more. I settled down, and I started off a pretty nice school year.
Now, I can't say it was a PERFECT school year. Definitely not what I thought I was signing myself up for and definitely not how freshman year should've been.
And now I'm given this fresh start.
This clean slate with everything.
And my biggest fear is that I'm going to relive the anxiety that I dealt with last year.
Because even though I have an understanding on how college works,
It's a whole new campus.
New friends (that I have to still attempt to make)
New dorm life.
New roommate (who I haven't met in person.)
New everything.
And I don't want everything to just fall to hell all over again.
This year, I'm determined to keep myself sane.
Watch myself better, keep better balance of how things in my life are.
But that doesn't take away the fear that lays deep down in me.
Last year, I had my roommate to learn everything with, and be able to follow her to get an idea of things.
This year, my roommate's a returning student and won't be there for 3 additional days, leaving me in the room alone. Leaving me to figure out how things run... alone.
And it's all just a scary situation.
It's a complete change to how things are.
I'm going to be even further away from home, which means no random trips home.
I yet again will have no income for awhile at least. Hopefully find a job a month or two into the school year when I get more settled.
And of course, fall is the worst time of year for me. It's the time of year when if my depression is gonna hit me, it's gonna hit me really good right there.
I can't even imagine what life is going to be like up in Dubuque.
I got so use to Cedar Rapids. And grew to love it.
And now I've got to relearn everything.
New city, new enviornment, new campus, new school system.
And it's overwhelming as all hell.
Am I excited? Yes.
But I'm still nervous and having anxiety, even though I try not to show it.
I try to think positively on the whole situation, because I know I'll be successful at Clarke and do better.
I know that academically, it makes more sense for me.
But it doesn't change the fact that everything in my life is changing, again,
And it was a lot harder to make this decision than anything else in my life.
I'm leaving all my comforts from home AND college behind.
And I'm starting this new adventure into the unknown.
New everything.
Ready or not, Wednesday is it. I just hope I can handle it....
Why am I still up at 3 am? Am I more scared than I thought about going to a new school? Is my anxiety just kicking in? Or is it the new meds I started taking for my anxiety?
Either way, I've been contemplating it.
Lately, I've been all "I'm ready to get settled into my dorm. Get back into a routine. Start making friends and creating new memories. The closer it gets, the more excited I am."
But inside,
I'm screaming my bloody head off.
And I'm supressing it and holding it in.
Last year around this time, I was packing and getting ready for my first EVER college experience. I was FINALLY moving away from home, out of my parent's house, away from Burlington, and to a new city where noone knew me and I could just be myself.
I was suuuuuper excited.
But once I got to the hill, I automatically was struck with fear.
I left all my friends behind. I don't have anyone. My parents will be leaving me. I don't like my parents, but I'm at least familar with them. I'm unaware of everything around me.
And it scared the HELL out of me. Hardcore.
The next few days, followed texts of me panicking, being upset, and having a few mental anxiety attacks along with a few mental meltdowns.
In a few of my texts, the words "I HATE IT. I want to go home already. I don't like being here. I don't know anyone. I'm starting to regret this." popped into my mind. There were a few nights where phone calls were made that consisted of me crying my eyes out, and talking about how much I just did NOT want to be there.
Of course, once classes started and I became more familiar with my surroundings, I started calming down a lot more. I settled down, and I started off a pretty nice school year.
Now, I can't say it was a PERFECT school year. Definitely not what I thought I was signing myself up for and definitely not how freshman year should've been.
And now I'm given this fresh start.
This clean slate with everything.
And my biggest fear is that I'm going to relive the anxiety that I dealt with last year.
Because even though I have an understanding on how college works,
It's a whole new campus.
New friends (that I have to still attempt to make)
New dorm life.
New roommate (who I haven't met in person.)
New everything.
And I don't want everything to just fall to hell all over again.
This year, I'm determined to keep myself sane.
Watch myself better, keep better balance of how things in my life are.
But that doesn't take away the fear that lays deep down in me.
Last year, I had my roommate to learn everything with, and be able to follow her to get an idea of things.
This year, my roommate's a returning student and won't be there for 3 additional days, leaving me in the room alone. Leaving me to figure out how things run... alone.
And it's all just a scary situation.
It's a complete change to how things are.
I'm going to be even further away from home, which means no random trips home.
I yet again will have no income for awhile at least. Hopefully find a job a month or two into the school year when I get more settled.
And of course, fall is the worst time of year for me. It's the time of year when if my depression is gonna hit me, it's gonna hit me really good right there.
I can't even imagine what life is going to be like up in Dubuque.
I got so use to Cedar Rapids. And grew to love it.
And now I've got to relearn everything.
New city, new enviornment, new campus, new school system.
And it's overwhelming as all hell.
Am I excited? Yes.
But I'm still nervous and having anxiety, even though I try not to show it.
I try to think positively on the whole situation, because I know I'll be successful at Clarke and do better.
I know that academically, it makes more sense for me.
But it doesn't change the fact that everything in my life is changing, again,
And it was a lot harder to make this decision than anything else in my life.
I'm leaving all my comforts from home AND college behind.
And I'm starting this new adventure into the unknown.
New everything.
Ready or not, Wednesday is it. I just hope I can handle it....
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Love Advice
So, as part of my moving forward in life phase, I've been really thinking about what I'm looking for in a relationship. Because, let's face it, there's no point just putting yourself in the same situation over and over... even though I'm completely guilty of doing so.
But I'm trying to keep some standards up now. I want a relationship that's going to be good for me.
Watching some people's relationships through social networking sites, I've caught myself occasionally thinking about stuff I've learned and what I really wish I could say, but won't since it's not my relationship to work out and since they didn't ask for it.
So I've been really thinking about this: What is some advice I've learned over the past few years that I not only give out, but that I should really start following myself for standards?
So, my thoughts on relationships for me (because obviously, not every relationship will work the same, and not everyone will want to follow this and it'll work out completely fine):
Just a few things from my past that I've noticed and things I'm striving towards in my future for relationships. It's things I want, need, and could ask for in a relationship. I know I have loads more in my head, but currently I'm drawing a blank on some other things so I'll leave it there. However, I know I'll get to where the relationship WON'T be perfect (because it never will be, it's part of being human) but at least super functional and amazing. And someday, I will find someone truly incredible and special. I've been a bit pessimistic lately, but things are looking up, I hope for the better. :)
But I'm trying to keep some standards up now. I want a relationship that's going to be good for me.
Watching some people's relationships through social networking sites, I've caught myself occasionally thinking about stuff I've learned and what I really wish I could say, but won't since it's not my relationship to work out and since they didn't ask for it.
So I've been really thinking about this: What is some advice I've learned over the past few years that I not only give out, but that I should really start following myself for standards?
So, my thoughts on relationships for me (because obviously, not every relationship will work the same, and not everyone will want to follow this and it'll work out completely fine):
- Never leave the one you love for the one you like.
Seriously. I've learned that one the hard way. You have a better chance fixing whatever is wrong with the one you love. If you go for the one you like, chances are it's not going to work out and then you're just overall fucked. - Trust is a big key to a relationship.
Never just completely give your trust out, because they should have to earn some. At the same time though, if they have never given you a reason to NOT trust them, there's no point in holding something against them that's never actually happened, and they deserve to have that initial trust to build off of. - Communication is another key to a good relationship.
Let's face it, if you never fucking talk about your problems, you're never going to solve anything and it's eventually going to just fall through anyway. So you might as well be able to openly discuss certain issues, and work together on things.... or it'll all just fall to shit because you aren't willing to discuss the problem and work on how you can solve it with me. - Each relationship is a new person, new experiences, NEW EVERYTHING.
So in otherwords, don't pull grudges from your old relationship in your new one. I understand sometimes when you've been through the same shit over and over, you'll have trust issues. But accusing someone of doing something they haven't even done, BIG no-no. Almost a guaranteed break up right there, or at least it is for me. This goes back to the trust thing. If the person has never given you a reason to not trust them, then fucking trust them. By saying things like "You're going to cheat on me since everyone else I've dated has.", you're basically saying you have absolutely no trust in them, and you're not even giving them a chance to prove that they are better than that. Exactly why I do not tolerate that shit, because if you're not even going to bother giving me a chance, why the fuck should I waste my time on you? Don't compare me to your exes, because I'm a completely different person than them. (If you can't tell, this is something I have a big problem with.) - It's the little things in a relationship that can make some of the biggest impacts.So, let's say on some random day, you just buy a simple rose. Or just hold the door open. Or a tiny little sweet kiss on the hand or cheek. It's cheap, simple, and it's not asking for much. And it's completely romantic and sweet. And sometimes, those little things can just make the bond that much stronger. It's incredible. One thing I learned to do (which has sort of been an issue in the past) is to put my phone away. I use to text alllll the time. Now, I can tell a difference in when I put my phone away and pay more attention, and when I'm busy on the phone. So it's something I try to consider now.
Just a few things from my past that I've noticed and things I'm striving towards in my future for relationships. It's things I want, need, and could ask for in a relationship. I know I have loads more in my head, but currently I'm drawing a blank on some other things so I'll leave it there. However, I know I'll get to where the relationship WON'T be perfect (because it never will be, it's part of being human) but at least super functional and amazing. And someday, I will find someone truly incredible and special. I've been a bit pessimistic lately, but things are looking up, I hope for the better. :)
Friday, July 20, 2012
Home is where my brother is.
Andrew came back to the US approx. on July 4th. He spent the first week in Vegas with Traci and their dog Jazzy.
He arrived in Iowa on July 9th around 9:30.
The first day I actually got to spend time with him was on Thursday the 12th. I met up with my family at my Grandma's assisted living home. We had a very nice hug until his back hurt him too much (he has a slipped disc from Afghanistan.) and then gave Traci a hug, then of course, Grandma.
We had a very nice visit with her. And exciting news; THE WEDDING DATE HAS BEEN SET!
June 22, 2013. JUNE 29, 2013. (date got changed)
I'm pretty excited! There's also a bridal shower in March that I'll hopefully be going to. Traci showed me the potential bridesmaids dresses, which are adorable! I guess while Andrew's back, they will do cake testing and figuring out some other details.
Anyway, after that we had a family gathering in Iowa City with some family so they could see Andrew again. Then we all departed for the evening.
Friday I worked in the morning and then came home for the weekend.
We went to Carlos O Kelly's with some of Andrew's friends and of course my immediate family. I became DD for the night, since Andrew and his friends didn't know how crazy they'd get. They weren't even that drunk and it turned out fine.
Saturday Andrew and I went to his friend Lisa's to play with Hayley Jo and Hayden (her kids). Lisa and Andrew are really good friends. Traci was going to join us, but was feeling awful from a headache. We had a lot of fun. HayJo didn't really take to me at first, but once she saw Lisa talking to me, she opened up more to the idea and began playing with me too.
They climbed trees, played in the sprinkler and on the swing set. We eventually went out seperate ways for the day, but overall it was really fun. :)
On the way there and back, Andrew and I had some heart-to-heart serious talks, which was actually kind of nice. He told me if I find a date for the wedding, he'll talk to my mom and dad so that I can have my someone go with me, because he thinks it's not fair. So hopefully I can find that special someone (<3)
Maya, Andrew, HayJo.
Hayden and Andrew. :)
He arrived in Iowa on July 9th around 9:30.
The first day I actually got to spend time with him was on Thursday the 12th. I met up with my family at my Grandma's assisted living home. We had a very nice hug until his back hurt him too much (he has a slipped disc from Afghanistan.) and then gave Traci a hug, then of course, Grandma.
We had a very nice visit with her. And exciting news; THE WEDDING DATE HAS BEEN SET!
I'm pretty excited! There's also a bridal shower in March that I'll hopefully be going to. Traci showed me the potential bridesmaids dresses, which are adorable! I guess while Andrew's back, they will do cake testing and figuring out some other details.
Anyway, after that we had a family gathering in Iowa City with some family so they could see Andrew again. Then we all departed for the evening.
Friday I worked in the morning and then came home for the weekend.
We went to Carlos O Kelly's with some of Andrew's friends and of course my immediate family. I became DD for the night, since Andrew and his friends didn't know how crazy they'd get. They weren't even that drunk and it turned out fine.
Saturday Andrew and I went to his friend Lisa's to play with Hayley Jo and Hayden (her kids). Lisa and Andrew are really good friends. Traci was going to join us, but was feeling awful from a headache. We had a lot of fun. HayJo didn't really take to me at first, but once she saw Lisa talking to me, she opened up more to the idea and began playing with me too.
They climbed trees, played in the sprinkler and on the swing set. We eventually went out seperate ways for the day, but overall it was really fun. :)
On the way there and back, Andrew and I had some heart-to-heart serious talks, which was actually kind of nice. He told me if I find a date for the wedding, he'll talk to my mom and dad so that I can have my someone go with me, because he thinks it's not fair. So hopefully I can find that special someone (<3)
Maya, Andrew, HayJo.
Hayden and Andrew. :)
Andrew, HayJo (left) and her friend Maya.
That night we went to Pizza hut and ate (yum) and saw Ted. Granted, it was my second time seeing it but it was still really funny. Then we went back to the house, and I went and hung out with my friend Coleton, dyed his hair, and talked with my friend Chey.
Sunday was Brian's birthday. I guess Andrew and Traci sang to him at midnight. Haha. Of course we had to go to church. But my mom was a happy momma to have the entire family there. Afterwards we went to Gator's to eat, but no birthday song for Brian. Traci and I went to go get him a George Foreman grill for his gift, got some sister bonding in there. We also had some heart-to-hearts which was nice. Brian headed out shortly after and it was a pretty relaxed afternoon of nothingness. So I caught up on my Glee Project.
That night Andrew and Traci were being dumb. I guess they were being silly and Traci ended up laughing so hard that when she stopped she was coughing. She was concerned that she was having a stroke.... Which she obviously wasn't. And then she told me she doesn't believe in soulmates. When I asked her what Andrew was to her then, her response was "Lesbian Life Partner."
Monday I said my goodbyes, and hopefully I'll see Traci again in March (if not sooner).
It was really great having my brother home, and even more of a relief that he's in a safer place now. He will probably be leaving Germany in the next year since the base is closing, so he will be reassigned.
Thank god for my brother and future sister. <3
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Literally moving forward: Starting a completely new chapter
Well, a few significant things have occurred it seems.
First off, I started talking to this girl after turning down another because I felt absolutely nothing with her. She showed dangerous signs that I recognized, and backed down before it got serious. and i'm honestly proud of myself for that at least. I have found strength through this break up to know what IS best for me and what I deserve.
Well anyway, this girl right? Absolutely incredible. Granted, yeah she struggles with depression. And she said she wishes she could make me as happy as I make her. But I'm a simple person. We hung out a few times. And I felt a sincere connection... like I can't even explain it. But through the little things, she's showed me that deep down somewhere, there is someone truly incredible. So I began to like her. At the same time though, I kept my guard up so I wouldn't fall too hard, too fast. But I was convinced that there was a possibility of something happening between us.
Well, a few days ago, she friendzoned me. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It was bad timing really since I've been under SO much stress lately, and especially because with her... I actually began to feel somewhat normal again. I began feeling more than just "okay" every day. I started to get by a little better, and feeling something other than numbness or depression. I was calmer, and a lot more relaxed. I was beginning to warm up to the idea of someone else entering my life. And I thought things were going well.
At the end of the day, I understand that I can't force anyone to feel the same way I do about them. And all I can do is keep going, and hope that I'll cross paths with someone else who is absolutely amazing and can turn my world around. So I keep this slight hope up, but at the same time, I'm also losing a lot of my trust in it and becoming more pessimistic... which is probably bad since I'm such a hopeless romantic.
Even though now she confuses the hell out of me by sending mixed signals.
But anywho, my next dilemma is the bigger one.
It's been my main stresser for the past two weeks, and it sucks.
Unfortunately, I did NOT pass my Biology class like I needed to.
So now, I'm very sadly looking at possibly transferring schools.
I may or may not stay at MMU. Which sucks. All my friends are there already, but I just wonder if I'll actually be able to stay at this point or not.
So I put in applications to Clarke and DMACC.
And it's this huuuuuge toss up because the three possibilities have great potential to them.
It's super stressful and ultimately, I'm probably going to get hurt in one way or another.
It also sucks, because I feel so alone in my decision making process. Everyone seems to have their own bias towards a certain decision, whether they think they are or not. They don't realize the subtle hints and guilt trips.
So I basically vent it out, and then shut out everyone after. The second someone says ANYTHING about a decision, I turn my ears off. For once, I need to make a decision for me. And not for anyone else. It's hard enough as it is without hearing everyone's voice on it.
I'm just not in a very good place right now.
It's going to be such a hard decision.
And it's even worse, because right now,
I'm in this alone.
First off, I started talking to this girl after turning down another because I felt absolutely nothing with her. She showed dangerous signs that I recognized, and backed down before it got serious. and i'm honestly proud of myself for that at least. I have found strength through this break up to know what IS best for me and what I deserve.
Well anyway, this girl right? Absolutely incredible. Granted, yeah she struggles with depression. And she said she wishes she could make me as happy as I make her. But I'm a simple person. We hung out a few times. And I felt a sincere connection... like I can't even explain it. But through the little things, she's showed me that deep down somewhere, there is someone truly incredible. So I began to like her. At the same time though, I kept my guard up so I wouldn't fall too hard, too fast. But I was convinced that there was a possibility of something happening between us.
Well, a few days ago, she friendzoned me. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It was bad timing really since I've been under SO much stress lately, and especially because with her... I actually began to feel somewhat normal again. I began feeling more than just "okay" every day. I started to get by a little better, and feeling something other than numbness or depression. I was calmer, and a lot more relaxed. I was beginning to warm up to the idea of someone else entering my life. And I thought things were going well.
At the end of the day, I understand that I can't force anyone to feel the same way I do about them. And all I can do is keep going, and hope that I'll cross paths with someone else who is absolutely amazing and can turn my world around. So I keep this slight hope up, but at the same time, I'm also losing a lot of my trust in it and becoming more pessimistic... which is probably bad since I'm such a hopeless romantic.
Even though now she confuses the hell out of me by sending mixed signals.
But anywho, my next dilemma is the bigger one.
It's been my main stresser for the past two weeks, and it sucks.
Unfortunately, I did NOT pass my Biology class like I needed to.
So now, I'm very sadly looking at possibly transferring schools.
I may or may not stay at MMU. Which sucks. All my friends are there already, but I just wonder if I'll actually be able to stay at this point or not.
So I put in applications to Clarke and DMACC.
And it's this huuuuuge toss up because the three possibilities have great potential to them.
It's super stressful and ultimately, I'm probably going to get hurt in one way or another.
It also sucks, because I feel so alone in my decision making process. Everyone seems to have their own bias towards a certain decision, whether they think they are or not. They don't realize the subtle hints and guilt trips.
So I basically vent it out, and then shut out everyone after. The second someone says ANYTHING about a decision, I turn my ears off. For once, I need to make a decision for me. And not for anyone else. It's hard enough as it is without hearing everyone's voice on it.
I'm just not in a very good place right now.
It's going to be such a hard decision.
And it's even worse, because right now,
I'm in this alone.
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