A Leap of Faith

Faith.
What does it truly mean?
Does it mean going to church every Sunday?
Does it mean reading a Bible?
Or is it simply something inside ourselves?

Everyone's definitions are going to be different.
For me, it's something bigger than ourselves.
Something beyond our own beings.
It's this high power that surrounds us,
watches us, keeps us,
but not just that.
It's believing in that being.

Yes, this is going to be a blog about my own spirituality and faith.
It can be touchy.
And I understand not everyone is going to agree with me.
But I feel like right now, I'm unable to just talk to people about it.
So I need to write it out.
If you don't want to know, then you should probably stop here.
I haven't been able to have a good discussion about faith.
About my journey with God.
And I don't really know where to turn to with such an intimate subject.
So blog, here I am.


It's not been an easy journey.
Or something that just easily came to me.
I've been struggling to get to this part of my life.
And granted, I'm not 100% perfect.
Nor will I be for awhile.
Or ever. Because noone is perfect.
But I'm trying to work on being my best.

Spirituality.
Honestly if you would've asked me before I moved to Clarke,
I would've told you I don't really have a belief.
It was a part of my life I didn't reflect.
A part of me I just ignored and suppressed.

From the beginning
I was raised Catholic.
To me, religion was....
going to church on sundays.
dressing up for mass on holidays.
going through the motions.
forgetting about church until the next sunday.
And it continued like this for quite awhile.

When I was 13,
I was beginning a vicious cycle
of physical, emotional, and mental abuse
and cutting.
I felt so betrayed by God.
And I didn't understand why He would do such a thing
to me and my family.
I hated church from that point on.
I hated getting up.
I hated going.
It meant absolutely nothing to me.
I would make hateful comments towards God,
because I was so angry.
I felt he had just abandoned me.
And he never answered my prayers to make the pain stop.

Then, at the age of 15,
something miraculous happened.
I met someone who would become a special part
of my life, and who would ultimately
bring me back to God.
During the first few months of the relationship,
I was skeptical about faith.
I didn't see much of a point.
But she had such a great relationship with God,
and wanted to share that same experience with me.

Once I was 16 and able to drive,
I decided to give her youth group a shot.
Little did I know, it would be the ultimate thing for me.
At first, I wasn't really into it.
I was mostly there because she wanted me there.
I was searching for the spiritual meaning, but not too hard.

My first really big God experience,
was at a Christian concert that occurred in Burlington.
Fireflight, Thousand Foot Krutch, Kutless, and others were playing.
The youth group was going, so I was invited.
When I heard the name Kutless, I immediately jumped on the opportunity.
I mostly saw it as a getaway and just another concert.
It turned into so much more than that.
At one point, Fireflight was on the stage.
And I'll never forget the lead singer.
She had her band singing this one line of a song
behind her while she talked.
She asked us to bow our heads.
Out of respect, I did.

She said,
"Find something in your life, that you just are having a hard time dealing with.
Something that is causing so much pain and weight on your shoulders.
Think of it really hard.
Now hold out your hand, and imagine that problem in your palm.
Close your hand into a tight fist,
and lift it up in the air.
Lift it up to God, and ask him to take that burden from you.
Let him take your pain, your suffering,
and give it all to him."
We all sang the line softly under our breaths while everyone focused.
I had put my dad's abuse into my fist.
And in that moment,
I all of a sudden felt light.
I felt free.
I felt the pain just leave.
And I began crying.
And in that moment, I found God.

I was held, and asked if I was alright.
I looked her right in the eye,
and told her what had just happened to me.
And we hugged.
It was truly an incredible experience.
And from there, my relationship with God was strong and intimate.
I could feel his love in my life.
I had stopped cutting.
And within a week of the concert,
the abuse subsided.
And for a year of my life, I was truly happy.

I shared my experience with a couple others in my youth group,
and they agreed that God had done something wonderful to me.

After the relationship ended,
I lost God.
I continued to go to youth group for awhile,
until I felt like I was no longer welcome.
And from there, I lost my faith, my relationship,and that part of me left.

God knows that since then,
I have been through Hell and back.
Even though I stopped believing in Him.
I questioned it a lot.
I dated plenty of people after,
but none of them were in touch with God or their faith.
Therefore, I wasn't either.

During these times, there were moments God was present,
And I ignored Him.
Completely ignored God and His works.
During my time at Mount Mercy,
It was a Catholic school and believed in spirituality.
But it didn't seem too emphasized.
I kept with my strained relationship
unsure how I felt or what I believed.
There were definetely moments
when God was trying to reenter my life,
and I pushed him back away.

My friend Allyn found a new church through her CORE group,
and asked me to join her for mass.
So we went with our friend Mila.
God was trying to show Himself to me.
And after the mass, I questioned myself a LOT.
Yet, I ended up going back into my normal routine.
And it seemed that moment had hardly any effect on my life.

Then I went through my anxiety.
Transitioning to Clarke has been a hard experience.
And yes, it still is.
And I'm working on getting the help I need.
I'm currently enrolled in a Foundations of Spiritual Life class.
At first, I had the attitude of,
"Oh great. A religion class."
But it hasn't been like that at all.
It's actually been a great reflection on my life.
And it's made me think about where I'm at and what I want.

Last Thursday, I hit rock bottom.
I was contemplating suicide.
I felt like I was burden to everyone
and that I didn't need to bother everyone with my issues anymore.
With the help of my girlfriend Lindsay, RA, and one of my other best friends,
I struggled, but made it through the night to see the next day.

This weekend though, I felt I truly was beginning to find God.
I seeked for a Bible verse to get me through my depression,
and used it as inspiration to keep going.
 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

I used that to remind myself that there was hope.
And God saw that as an opportunity to reshow Himself.
And this time, I saw it.

I volunteered for Into The Streets on Saturday to kick off our homecoming.
It was cold,
It was early in the morning,
I got poked with thorns with gloves with holes,
dealt with a mean nun,
and did NOT complain.
Because I saw it as doing God's work.
I felt good helping others.
I felt satisfied with myself.

And later that day, God showed his miracle to some girls on my floor.
We were able to witness the birth of a calf.
And it was one of the most beautiful things.
Watching a creature come into the world.
In return for doing His work,
He showed us one of His gifts and miracles.
We named the calf Benny Clarke, after Mary Benedict Hall, our dorm at Clarke.
It was such an intimate bonding moment for us all,
and to be able to pet Benny after being born
was truly just a gift and miracle.

Then for religion class,
We had to read A Gift Of Peace by Joseph Cardinal Bernardin.
And I saw a lot of myself in the book,
found it very relatable,
and gained a lot of insight through it.
I found myself wanting to become a better person.
I've just felt closer spiritually to God.

And apparently, my refound faith has shown.
I'm more loving towards my girlfriend,
treating her the best I can.
I want to know more about her,
what makes her the way she is,
when I get impatient or get snippy,
I immediately apologize for my wrong doing.
I'm finding myself working harder to make the relationship
work and functional.
And to become everything she needs and wants in life.

My name is Kelsey Fenton.
And I have refound God.

Happiness

is a blessing.
It's a miracle of life,
being happy.
It's something we take for granted every day.
We don't think about happiness,
we just are happy.
We feel alive.
We feel this height of empowerment in our veins.
When we are happy, that is.
We are emotional creatures,
a thing we yet again take for granted.
We don't think of our emotions too in depth.
Usually just I'm happy, I'm sad, etc.
This is WHY I feel this way, etc.
Being able to express love, sadness, anger, happiness.
Something we yet again don't think about as a "blessing"
but it is.
I sure as hell know I take it for granted.
Or at least, don't really think about how it's a blessing.

Because I've lived through the period where I was numb.
The point in life when I just felt absolutely no emotions.
I was an empty shell of a person, just going through the motions of daily living.
Except, I didn't want to live.
Half of the time, my thoughts were suicidal.
Part of it was stress, hating how things were school wise, stress wise, just everything.
But mostly, I just hated FEELING that way.
I loathed the feeling with a deep passion.
I felt some emotions,
but I couldn't physically show them.
I thought I was, but I wasn't.
I just couldn't stand how I was living.
I've lived with clinical depression on and off during my life,
ever since I was 13.
But I've NEVER felt something so god awful in my life.
My sense of being just felt so useless.
Worthless.
Where's the quality of life?
Being on those meds, was probably one of my lower points in life.

And yet, I'm still here.
I had a week of peace within myself.
Happiness. Emotion.
I could FEEL again.
And now I'm back into this whirlwind.
And I wonder....
If I'll ever just be able to feel free?
Or if this depression will always take over
the best of me?

Where do you go...

when the darkness blinds your path?
Making you unable to see the light?
Where do you turn?
How can you see what's around you?
How do you show emotion
when it won't show?
Does everything have to be external?
What do you do when it's all buried deep,
unable to show itself on the surface.
How can you show love or sadness?
You feel trapped in the madness.
Withering away.
Watching yourself fall away.
Fall from life itself.
Decayed.
Every dark, morbid thought consumes you.
But you push it aside.
It sticks to your being lke glue.
You can't escape the evil.
Can't escape yourself.
Your own downfall.
A downward spiral into the depths of Hell.
You question yourself daily on if you can even last another day.
Wondering what tomorrow will bring.
If you're going to have a good or bad day.
If you'll even want to get up in the morning.
The motivation is fading away.
The motivation to keep going.
You're never good enough for anyone.
Nothing you do is right for anyone.
You're failing at everything you do.
No matter WHAT you do, or try,
Noone is ever happy.
You're always losing.
You feel so far gone.
So seperated when you're surrounded.
The things you once love are vanished.
You feel like a zombie living.
You're there.... but you're not.
You're just taking up space.
Just existing. But hardly.
You're going through the motions.
And you wonder when things will be different.
Or if they'll be different.
When everything will get better.
Because everything WILL get better....
..........right?

It's always darkest before the dawn

When your soul feels trapped with nowhere to go,
the madness creeps into every crevice of you.
The poison leaks to your blood stream,
making its way to destroy the rest of what's left.
It drains every part you once knew
and makes room for the black hole
that is working its way to consume everything inside.
In the end, you're left with nothing.
You've become a shallow casket waiting to be buried.
An empty shell where your heart, soul, dreams and passion
Withered and decayed.