I watch you deep in slumberland, pillow up against my hip with your head gently rested on it so you don't irritate your freshly pierced ear. Watching you peacefully sleep, the only things running through my head are how perfect and beautiful you are.
I understand no-one is perfect. And you're not perfect. But at the same time, you are. You're perfect for me. You're perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't have you any other way.
It's been this way from the start. You've never hidden your imperfections, but flaunted them. Each imperfection you reveal to me, the deeper I fall for you. I have never needed someone perfect. I've needed someone real. I've searched in all the wrong places for love, companionship, a significant other. Looking back, each relationship had it's red flags from the get-go. Things I should've seen, but blinded myself to because I was desperate.
Everyone said I needed to take time to myself, figure out who I truly am, what I want, where I want to go, my little quirks. Everything fell into place. You fell into place, my love. Everything happened the opposite way of how everything typically goes and that's how I know this is different.
I chose my path, I chose my schooling, I chose my life. Then you came along, and just happened to be where I would be. You've shown me a different side of love, the better side. You've shown me what true love feels like, looks like, talks like simply by being imperfect but perfect. The way you treat me is a way I'm not used to being treated. Sometimes, I subconsciously react the way I do because of how the past has treated me. I'm not used to someone so compassionate and loving that I think I misinterpret normality. For you, I try my hardest to remind myself of that. I remind myself that you deserve the best, and I refuse to give up fighting past demons so I can be everything you want and need.
You are better than anything I've ever dreamed or prayed for. You're a true blessing from God, and every second, I'm thankful to say I'm yours.
I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.
Showing posts with label letter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letter. Show all posts
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A Letter To My Heart That Is Still Mending
Dear Broken Heart,
All I can really say to you at this point is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't protect you more. For the first time since we experienced first true love together, I allowed us both to open up and breathe every part of someone else's love. It's been an easy road recovering from break ups mostly, which makes me think maybe we weren't as madly in love as we thought we were.
I believed her. From the moment she told me that she could never do anything to hurt me, because I'm too good of a person and I don't deserve being hurt, I trusted her with every inch of my being. This had you trusting her as well to take care of the both of us.
Every moment I saw her from that point on, you fluttered with excitement. You'd jump so fast that I sometimes lost my ability to breathe because we were both entranced with her presence. When I'd kiss her hello, you'd skip with excitement and sigh with awe. When I'd kiss her goodbye, you'd consume my entire chest begging for me not to walk away and I could feel you crying in sync with my eyes. You were the most at ease when we'd lie against her, and we both felt safe. We both even agreed that she might even be "The One".
When she left for her initial training for two weeks, you felt hollow in my chest. You'd sigh with disappointment and fall towards my stomach whenever she was mentioned, or whenever there was a missed call. She'll be home soon, we'd continue telling each other, but we both knew it didn't feel complete without her physical presence.
But damn, the nights when she'd finally come home after a week of being gone, or even getting to see her for those small lunch breaks, you'd smile and feel warm. Even once those moments grew into longer time periods without her, we'd try to remain positive.
I never felt you lie so still in my chest and get so cold than the moment we were told she cheated and was planning on breaking up with us. Those warm moments suddenly exploded into ashes in the pit of my stomach. During the initial moments taking it in, I felt you completely shatter and break like glass being dropped. You shattered into a million, cold, lifeless pieces, and I went down with you. We both mourned together, and drank until we both could barely function.
You are one angry drunk when you're in love though. Within minutes of the liquor consuming my veins and your structure, you boiled up hotter than Hell could ever be. It felt like Satan himself was melting inside of you. I could feel you banging into my ribs, trying to escape so you could hit someone yourself. To ease your tension, I hit and threw items for you until we both could barely take in the air surrounding us. After that moment of intense, Hellish anger, I held you and together we sobbed into the floors that surrounded us.
Time moved slowly. We both fell into a deep depression, barely able to move out of where we rested. There were moments when we both had a strong desire to just stop moving altogether, but we fought through it. I kept you going, and you kept me going. We tried to get over it, but every time we'd see her new love, the girl who stole her away from us, you'd start banging into my rib cage again begging to beat the bitch up yourself for causing you so much pain. Every time you realized she was around, you'd flutter with hope that maybe I'd kiss her again so you could feel that safe, warm feeling yet again.
We're coming close to 8 months since the actual break up, and I'm sorry that to this day, you still hurt immensely. You've turned into stone with an electric barbed wire fence surrounding you. You refuse to open up again and let someone else into that same spot where she once lived and existed. I keep telling myself I'm over her, and I'm over the situation.
But if I was truly over her.... you wouldn't still be experiencing the inability to move. You wouldn't flutter every time she was near. You wouldn't keep trying to rip your way out of my chest every single time the new girl is around. You wouldn't hurt, or sink, or crumble every single time I start gluing you back together and she appears in some way.
I understand why you're guarded. It will take time for us to fully 100% heal. Maybe someday, we'll find someone that will make us comfortable so we can yet again experience that amazing safe, warm feeling and you can skip all you want. I miss that wonderful feeling inside my chest. It's been hard. We'll both heal completely some day.
Sincerely,
The Girl Whom You Live Within
All I can really say to you at this point is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't protect you more. For the first time since we experienced first true love together, I allowed us both to open up and breathe every part of someone else's love. It's been an easy road recovering from break ups mostly, which makes me think maybe we weren't as madly in love as we thought we were.
I believed her. From the moment she told me that she could never do anything to hurt me, because I'm too good of a person and I don't deserve being hurt, I trusted her with every inch of my being. This had you trusting her as well to take care of the both of us.
Every moment I saw her from that point on, you fluttered with excitement. You'd jump so fast that I sometimes lost my ability to breathe because we were both entranced with her presence. When I'd kiss her hello, you'd skip with excitement and sigh with awe. When I'd kiss her goodbye, you'd consume my entire chest begging for me not to walk away and I could feel you crying in sync with my eyes. You were the most at ease when we'd lie against her, and we both felt safe. We both even agreed that she might even be "The One".
When she left for her initial training for two weeks, you felt hollow in my chest. You'd sigh with disappointment and fall towards my stomach whenever she was mentioned, or whenever there was a missed call. She'll be home soon, we'd continue telling each other, but we both knew it didn't feel complete without her physical presence.
But damn, the nights when she'd finally come home after a week of being gone, or even getting to see her for those small lunch breaks, you'd smile and feel warm. Even once those moments grew into longer time periods without her, we'd try to remain positive.
I never felt you lie so still in my chest and get so cold than the moment we were told she cheated and was planning on breaking up with us. Those warm moments suddenly exploded into ashes in the pit of my stomach. During the initial moments taking it in, I felt you completely shatter and break like glass being dropped. You shattered into a million, cold, lifeless pieces, and I went down with you. We both mourned together, and drank until we both could barely function.
You are one angry drunk when you're in love though. Within minutes of the liquor consuming my veins and your structure, you boiled up hotter than Hell could ever be. It felt like Satan himself was melting inside of you. I could feel you banging into my ribs, trying to escape so you could hit someone yourself. To ease your tension, I hit and threw items for you until we both could barely take in the air surrounding us. After that moment of intense, Hellish anger, I held you and together we sobbed into the floors that surrounded us.
Time moved slowly. We both fell into a deep depression, barely able to move out of where we rested. There were moments when we both had a strong desire to just stop moving altogether, but we fought through it. I kept you going, and you kept me going. We tried to get over it, but every time we'd see her new love, the girl who stole her away from us, you'd start banging into my rib cage again begging to beat the bitch up yourself for causing you so much pain. Every time you realized she was around, you'd flutter with hope that maybe I'd kiss her again so you could feel that safe, warm feeling yet again.
We're coming close to 8 months since the actual break up, and I'm sorry that to this day, you still hurt immensely. You've turned into stone with an electric barbed wire fence surrounding you. You refuse to open up again and let someone else into that same spot where she once lived and existed. I keep telling myself I'm over her, and I'm over the situation.
But if I was truly over her.... you wouldn't still be experiencing the inability to move. You wouldn't flutter every time she was near. You wouldn't keep trying to rip your way out of my chest every single time the new girl is around. You wouldn't hurt, or sink, or crumble every single time I start gluing you back together and she appears in some way.
I understand why you're guarded. It will take time for us to fully 100% heal. Maybe someday, we'll find someone that will make us comfortable so we can yet again experience that amazing safe, warm feeling and you can skip all you want. I miss that wonderful feeling inside my chest. It's been hard. We'll both heal completely some day.
Sincerely,
The Girl Whom You Live Within
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