Dear Broken Heart,
All I can really say to you at this point is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't protect you more. For the first time since we experienced first true love together, I allowed us both to open up and breathe every part of someone else's love. It's been an easy road recovering from break ups mostly, which makes me think maybe we weren't as madly in love as we thought we were.
I believed her. From the moment she told me that she could never do anything to hurt me, because I'm too good of a person and I don't deserve being hurt, I trusted her with every inch of my being. This had you trusting her as well to take care of the both of us.
Every moment I saw her from that point on, you fluttered with excitement. You'd jump so fast that I sometimes lost my ability to breathe because we were both entranced with her presence. When I'd kiss her hello, you'd skip with excitement and sigh with awe. When I'd kiss her goodbye, you'd consume my entire chest begging for me not to walk away and I could feel you crying in sync with my eyes. You were the most at ease when we'd lie against her, and we both felt safe. We both even agreed that she might even be "The One".
When she left for her initial training for two weeks, you felt hollow in my chest. You'd sigh with disappointment and fall towards my stomach whenever she was mentioned, or whenever there was a missed call. She'll be home soon, we'd continue telling each other, but we both knew it didn't feel complete without her physical presence.
But damn, the nights when she'd finally come home after a week of being gone, or even getting to see her for those small lunch breaks, you'd smile and feel warm. Even once those moments grew into longer time periods without her, we'd try to remain positive.
I never felt you lie so still in my chest and get so cold than the moment we were told she cheated and was planning on breaking up with us. Those warm moments suddenly exploded into ashes in the pit of my stomach. During the initial moments taking it in, I felt you completely shatter and break like glass being dropped. You shattered into a million, cold, lifeless pieces, and I went down with you. We both mourned together, and drank until we both could barely function.
You are one angry drunk when you're in love though. Within minutes of the liquor consuming my veins and your structure, you boiled up hotter than Hell could ever be. It felt like Satan himself was melting inside of you. I could feel you banging into my ribs, trying to escape so you could hit someone yourself. To ease your tension, I hit and threw items for you until we both could barely take in the air surrounding us. After that moment of intense, Hellish anger, I held you and together we sobbed into the floors that surrounded us.
Time moved slowly. We both fell into a deep depression, barely able to move out of where we rested. There were moments when we both had a strong desire to just stop moving altogether, but we fought through it. I kept you going, and you kept me going. We tried to get over it, but every time we'd see her new love, the girl who stole her away from us, you'd start banging into my rib cage again begging to beat the bitch up yourself for causing you so much pain. Every time you realized she was around, you'd flutter with hope that maybe I'd kiss her again so you could feel that safe, warm feeling yet again.
We're coming close to 8 months since the actual break up, and I'm sorry that to this day, you still hurt immensely. You've turned into stone with an electric barbed wire fence surrounding you. You refuse to open up again and let someone else into that same spot where she once lived and existed. I keep telling myself I'm over her, and I'm over the situation.
But if I was truly over her.... you wouldn't still be experiencing the inability to move. You wouldn't flutter every time she was near. You wouldn't keep trying to rip your way out of my chest every single time the new girl is around. You wouldn't hurt, or sink, or crumble every single time I start gluing you back together and she appears in some way.
I understand why you're guarded. It will take time for us to fully 100% heal. Maybe someday, we'll find someone that will make us comfortable so we can yet again experience that amazing safe, warm feeling and you can skip all you want. I miss that wonderful feeling inside my chest. It's been hard. We'll both heal completely some day.
Sincerely,
The Girl Whom You Live Within
