It's been quite awhile since I've actually written on here. Somewhere in that time, I found myself, lost myself, and am slowly collecting the pieces to get back to my peaceful place. It seems so much easier than it sounds- but the brutality if this entire thing is it's one of the most goddamn difficult things to do. It's exhausting in every single aspect: Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It also doesn't help when at times, you have the wrong support system trying to help you.
In many ways, I've figured out that it's best to try to collect the pieces on my own. I've been so dependent on people helping me gather them, and they're usually the ones that take the pieces with them when it's no longer convenient to put my missing piece where it belongs. The only way I can explain this is through biblical reference.
I once attended a Christian retreat where the focus was having someone help you "carry your cross", aka your burdens, the things that weigh you down. I trust people too much to help me carry that cross, and ultimately how it goes is such; They see me struggling, they pick it up on the other side with me, walk with me for a while, then end up walking away all of a sudden. By this point, I fall by the sudden weight shift, and with the loss of blood from my crown of thorns (aka my depression, my burdening thoughts) I lose energy to continue.
This is why I've come to realize that I truly do need to solve all my problems myself. I don't mind my friends and loved ones reminded me to stop and drink some water and rest. I actually encourage the support. It revives my own strength and encourages me to continue my journey- no matter how hard it gets.
Depression seriously fucks with your head in so many disturbing ways. I can only name a few of these examples: (WARNING: THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING)
The suicidal thoughts: not exactly something I'm proud to admit, but yes. I have them at times. I've read several great quotes that describe depression, one of my favorites being, "Depression is like drowning, except everyone around you is still breathing." It's so suffocating, especially mentally. One of my biggest flaws in character is that I HATE being a disappointment in any way. When I feel like I'm massively disappointing multiple people, that I'm doing everything wrong, burdening the world; Bam. The world would be better off without you. At least that way, you can stop hurting the people around you with your mistakes and stop disappointing others. You can be replaced, you will eventually be forgotten.
I recognize, this is absolutely terrible. Deep down somewhere, I know this is a completely false statement. That's the absolute crap my mind traps me in though. It's that I'm not good enough. I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I deserve any and all hurt of any form, including in my past. I haven't fully gotten to work this out with a therapist, but I believe somehow, in a sadistic way, it's part of the healing process. It's the constant breaking myself down to rebuild myself up. I have heavy demons that I can only eliminate through a long healing process.
Self-Harm: Again, not one of the prettier aspects. Self harm has become so different for me now than it was when I was 13 and beginning to draw my stories and struggles on my arms and legs. I use to never push down hard enough, because I didn't embrace the pain enough nor did I want to face the fact that I had a problem. My past two relapses reminded me of my very first time: I feel my head to fuzzy in a delusional way, I remember grabbing whatever I'm going to use, then without thought, I push as hard as I can. The thoughts in my head, now dribble down my body. They're released from intoxicating my bloodstream. There's a sudden calm following. It's all such a flash and blur. The build up to it literally feels like insanity. I can't even describe the feeling, and I hope none of my loved ones or friends EVER understand that feeling.
Body confidence: anyone who's close to me knows I'm super self conscious of my body. There's random moments, when I'll be in a good mind state, and I'll see the pure beauty I have. During that time, I can also see my body how it actually is, a healthy shape and size that actually can look slimming at times. The rest of the time, despite those moments, I feel so insecure. When I look into the mirror, that girl who looked slimming a few hours ago now has a double chin, stomach looking 6 months pregnant, jeans so constricting and wide hips that can run into everything. It's a complete distortion of how I actually look. Beauty in society comes in all sizes and I'm a firm believer in that one. However, when your own mother and society runs their mouths, telling you that the weight you're gaining is unacceptable, this is exactly what happens. It's part of the reason I was anorexic for awhile in high school after gaining 10 pounds and being told that the fact I had to go up a jean size meant I needed to lay off eating so much. Then there was my senior year, trying to deal with this all over again. I did the opposite, and during my depressive states would eat until I felt my acid reflux hit. It was a different pain that lingered. I formed a bad habit out of it and consequently, cause my own gallbladder to fail by the age of 18. Which is super young for a person to have their gallbladder removed and looking like a fucked up burnt chicken thigh. Honestly, I dont give a flying fuck what society says. Its my mother. Like I said earlier, I'm a people pleaser. Especially when it comes to the people who created and raised me. All a child wants is parental acceptance. To constantly hear the fat, pudging, your-jeans-are-too-tight comments? Yes, it ruins your own self image.
I'm picking myself up, yet again in a different time of my life. I'm returning to blogging as an outlet and my self reflection. Writing is therapeutic. Maybe someday, I'll recover entirely, even if it occasionally comes crawling back into my life.
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