Coping with A New Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder

It felt like a regular doctor's visit.

For my depression and anxiety, I go in every few months to see my psychiatrist about my medication. We were discussing some of my lifestyle changes: Being in debt, moving, living in a not-so-wonderful situation household wise, dealing with relationship instability, etc. She asked if I was in therapy, and explained trying to get in touch with my old therapist since she left the practice. We went out to the lobby to get me set up with a new therapist, when I noticed there were three items under my "Current Health Issues" column instead of two. My latest diagnosis, as you can see from the title, is Borderline Personality Disorder.

Okay, so now raises the big question: What exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
According to The National Institute of Mental Health (nimh.nih.gov/BPD):
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name "borderline personality disorder" is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.Most people who have BPD suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
• Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides."

Now that you've had a minor education lesson in Psychology, let me essentially break it down (not only for your benefit, but myself as well.)To be diagnosed with BPD, you have to qualify under at least 5 of the following symptoms. For educating the public purposes, I'm going to go through each of the symptoms and give you a glimpse into the head of someone with a mental illness.

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  Okay, so I've always been a bit of a drama queen, which is partially what makes me a decent actress and fiction writer; I can tune in with other's emotions and put myself into those situations so easily. Being alone has always been a fear of mine, especially when it comes to loved ones. Leaving my first college to transfer, and even transferring the second time, one of my biggest fears was that my friends would ultimately just forget me. The friends I made I was extremely close to, and losing them seemed devastating. While I recognize almost every of time that the moments I feel abandoned come up, they are irrational.
  
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  Okay so I don't think this one is nearly as bad. I do notice I can attach easily to people. I have minor trust issues (who doesn't?) but I can easily gain a sense of closeness from a person. I am working on this aspect of my life though, especially when it comes to dating. At least I'm not the stalker type of close with people. I like to think I'm fairly normal in this category.
  
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  This is pretty much my entire life in a nutshell. I have absolutely terrible self-esteem, and I definitely get super moody in this aspect. I've had a lot of issues struggling with sorting my life out, and I don't feel stable with my life. I've been fairly influenced when it comes to moving around suddenly, changing my life around, etc. Ultimately, I feel like nothing. I feel like even with working at the tattoo shop and writing/vlogging for Flurt Magazine, I feel like I'm going nowhere and I've accomplished nothing with my life.
  
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating.
  Whoop, there it is. Luckily, I'm not one for shopping. However, some of these do apply to my life. After getting out of my last relationship due to life instability, I kind of decided that I needed to just "fuck around" for awhile and just do no-strings-attached casual encounters. Luckily that got cut off from my life quicker than I anticipated when I met Rachel. We're not officially together or anything, but I do like her and want to prove to her and myself that I can in fact be faithful and committed when the time is right. That's a completely different story though that I could ramble on. As far as reckless driving, I text and drive. I've considered driving into things, but I realize I could jeopardize someone else's life. Substance abuse.... I recently was super drunk and tried Molly (aka Meth & Ecstasy combined). I don't believe I'm addicted to alcohol or any other drug for that matter. Lastly, binge eating. Probably the worst of these behaviors for me. I was a binge eater for a year during high school, until my gallbladder began malfunctioning and I ended up being so sick that it had to be removed. I was pretty good about binge eating, but notice recently I've started doing it again as another way to cope. It's not really eating my feelings, it's more of I do it because I want to feel some sort of pain, even if it's stomach pain. It's a unique type of self-harm.
  
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting.
  *TRIGGER WARNING*
  I've been a cutter since I was 13. I've gone several lengthy periods where I have restrained myself from the destructive behavior. However, it is an addiction for me. It's a way to release the emotional pain by putting it elsewhere so I can focus on a different type of pain. I was doing well for awhile, but the past two relapses I've had, I noticed I was having a sort of "psychotic" episode. I panic hard core, feeling desperately alone, and I don't know where else to turn to at the time. Everything goes kind of fuzzy, and next thing I know there's blood. I tend to have this mentality during the psychotic episodes that if I cut, I can somehow release the inner demon making me feel the way I am, almost a way to get them out of my bloodstream and out of my body.
  As for suicide, well, I'm not really one for death. I'm actually terrified of it. However, last school year I ended up with suicidal thoughts, but they went away once I got on my medication. They started returning in September, and have struggled on and off with them since. I know if anyone is reading this, a common reaction might be, "That's so selfish of you." Well, it doesn't seem selfish in my head. If anything, I feel like I'm doing everyone a favor by not having them worry about me 24/7. I already feel unworthy of the people around me since I feel "crazy". Sometimes, it feels easier to just leave the world so that everyone can stop wondering every second how I'm doing. Keeping them worried seems more selfish to me (Note: This is just my ramblings of what goes on in my head. At this moment, I am in no means suicidal.)
  
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  This one is pretty self-explanatory. I notice it's gotten worse, especially when it comes to my period. Already with PMS, women experience a heightened mood swing rate. It was pretty typical of me I guess anyway, but more recently I tend to be more emotionally unstable. I'm a fairly relaxed person, and my mood usually reflects that way.Around my period any more though, YIKES. Believe me, if you're one of my friends and you hate how I'm acting, imagine how I feel! I don't like it any more than you do. Hence why I get so apologetic.
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  Feel nothing, want nothing, know nothing. Emptiness is a terrible feeling. I do get bored rather easily, and I'm lucky that now I have my work to fall on during those times to keep me focused on something. I notice with my boredom, the emptiness comes along with it. You over think everything, and suddenly, NOTHING. Emotional numbness sometimes sucks worse than actually feeling.
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.I wouldn't say I have anger issues. I notice I've been more irritable however. I mean when I get angry, goddamn you probably should just walk away. I once had an ex (who was in the military, mind you) that always told me she was terrified any time I ever was angry. I get passionate when I'm mad. Who doesn't though, right?
  
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality. Last one (Thank god, right?) This one is probably the most interesting symptom. Maybe you've had a dream before where you were watching yourself through the dream. If you haven't, here's a better example: Imagine being in a movie theater watching yourself do exactly what you are doing right now, but you're the only person in the audience. It's honestly kind of bizarre and hard to explain. I think the best way I can explain it is through an old blog post I have on this page:"You're sitting in a busy, noisy room, All of a sudden, it's quiet. Te earth just feels still, and you feel like for a moment, it's only you. Nothing else is around; it's all just quiet. After a few moments, you begin hearing noise again, and you snap back into reality realizing that while you were stuck in that moment, the world continued on without you. The noise and rush of the room comes back to your sense, overwhelming them."

So maybe this was educational, maybe you got bored reading inside my mind. I'm trying to come up with multiple ways to understand my new diagnosis, and what living with it entails for myself. I'm doing my best to sort out my feelings and understand myself on a new mental/emotional level. I'm pretty big on being self-aware of myself, and this to me just presents a new challenge towards that goal. I understand that I have a lot of these symptoms, but it doesn't make it easier to admit to it.
I'm learning to embrace it, so that I can make a difference. I want to see this as a new opportunity to speak on behalf of those who are too afraid or in the same position as I am as far as accepting the diagnosis. I'm hoping to see it more as a blessing and learn to love myself with it, than let it consume me and become my Hell.

My body is my canvas: Tattoo #8 & 9

As part of healing with my depression, I've been using my tattoos for symbols of parts of my life. While this practice can be typically common, I've gone over emotional with the meanings behind some of my tattoos.
The tattoos I'm getting next are going to be my more delicate meaningful ones.

#8: I've spent so long in the darkness,
I'd almost forgotten how beautiful the moonlight is.

This quote takes on a lot of meaning with my depression. With the depression has been a lot of darkness in my life lately. I've been going through a rough time the past few months, and my depression was severe to the point of me being bed ridden. Things are slowly lightening up, and to me, this quote is a reminder that no matter how long the darkness lasts, to remember and be grateful for the light(s) guiding you out of the darkness.


#9: Dave Sanchez Sugar Skull Modified.

The picture on the left is the original skull that was used to inspire the one on the right. As you can see from picture one, those colors will be incorporated into my piece as well, maybe some change ups. Behind her head is broken hearts, and there is a single tear falling from her eye.
The things added to the one I'm getting is the corner of her mouth is stitched.
*Trigger Warning*
This is where the symbolism comes in for me. This piece is being used as part of my healing towards the sexual assaults I went through. I've been through two sexual assaults, and one attempted. This tattoo is about the silence I've encountered through the experience. The broken hearts represent the sexual assault during a relationship of mine, and how it acts within my relationships. It also represents the pain I feel inside every time I'm reminded of any of the encounters. The tear represents the tears I've shed, and how it negatively has impacted me. The stitching on her lips represent the silence I've faced, feeling unable to talk about it with family and in certain instances. It represents the silence I feel when rape jokes are made.
This tattoo is a symbol of my strength, what I've endured, and how I'm continuing to go on. The rose brings on the elegance aspect of my recovery. It shows my continuation to grow and fight through the daily PTSD battles. It's the beauty of how I am a survivor.

Picking up the pieces

It's been quite awhile since I've actually written on here. Somewhere in that time, I found myself, lost myself, and am slowly collecting the pieces to get back to my peaceful place. It seems so much easier than it sounds- but the brutality if this entire thing is it's one of the most goddamn difficult things to do. It's exhausting in every single aspect: Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It also doesn't help when at times, you have the wrong support system trying to help you.

In many ways, I've figured out that it's best to try to collect the pieces on my own. I've been so dependent on people helping me gather them, and they're usually the ones that take the pieces with them when it's no longer convenient to put my missing piece where it belongs. The only way I can explain this is through biblical reference.
I once attended a Christian retreat where the focus was having someone help you "carry your cross", aka your burdens, the things that weigh you down. I trust people too much to help me carry that cross, and ultimately how it goes is such; They see me struggling, they pick it up on the other side with me, walk with me for a while, then end up walking away all of a sudden. By this point, I fall by the sudden weight shift, and with the loss of blood from my crown of thorns (aka my depression, my burdening thoughts) I lose energy to continue.

This is why I've come to realize that I truly do need to solve all my problems myself. I don't mind my friends and loved ones reminded me to stop and drink some water and rest. I actually encourage the support. It revives my own strength and encourages me to continue my journey- no matter how hard it gets.

Depression seriously fucks with your head in so many disturbing ways. I can only name a few of these examples: (WARNING: THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING)
The suicidal thoughts: not exactly something I'm proud to admit, but yes. I have them at times. I've read several great quotes that describe depression, one of my favorites being, "Depression is like drowning, except everyone around you is still breathing." It's so suffocating, especially mentally. One of my biggest flaws in character is that I HATE being a disappointment in any way. When I feel like I'm massively disappointing multiple people, that I'm doing everything wrong, burdening the world; Bam. The world would be better off without you. At least that way, you can stop hurting the people around you with your mistakes and stop disappointing others. You can be replaced, you will eventually be forgotten.
I recognize, this is absolutely terrible. Deep down somewhere, I know this is a completely false statement. That's the absolute crap my mind traps me in though. It's that I'm not good enough. I don't deserve to be treated nicely. I deserve any and all hurt of any form, including in my past. I haven't fully gotten to work this out with a therapist, but I believe somehow, in a sadistic way, it's part of the healing process. It's the constant breaking myself down to rebuild myself up. I have heavy demons that I can only eliminate through a long healing process.

Self-Harm: Again, not one of the prettier aspects. Self harm has become so different for me now than it was when I was 13 and beginning to draw my stories and struggles on my arms and legs. I use to never push down hard enough, because I didn't embrace the pain enough nor did I want to face the fact that I had a problem. My past two relapses reminded me of my very first time: I feel my head to fuzzy in a delusional way, I remember grabbing whatever I'm going to use, then without thought, I push as hard as I can. The thoughts in my head, now dribble down my body. They're released from intoxicating my bloodstream. There's a sudden calm following. It's all such a flash and blur. The build up to it literally feels like insanity. I can't even describe the feeling, and I hope none of my loved ones or friends EVER understand that feeling.

Body confidence: anyone who's close to me knows I'm super self conscious of my body. There's random moments, when I'll be in a good mind state, and I'll see the pure beauty I have. During that time, I can also see my body how it actually is, a healthy shape and size that actually can look slimming at times. The rest of the time, despite those moments, I feel so insecure. When I look into the mirror, that girl who looked slimming a few hours ago now has a double chin, stomach looking 6 months pregnant, jeans so constricting and wide hips that can run into everything. It's a complete distortion of how I actually look. Beauty in society comes in all sizes and I'm a firm believer in that one. However, when your own mother and society runs their mouths, telling you that the weight you're gaining is unacceptable, this is exactly what happens. It's part of the reason I was anorexic for awhile in high school after gaining 10 pounds and being told that the fact I had to go up a jean size meant I needed to lay off eating so much. Then there was my senior year, trying to deal with this all over again. I did the opposite, and during my depressive states would eat until I felt my acid reflux hit. It was a different pain that lingered. I formed a bad habit out of it and consequently, cause my own gallbladder to fail by the age of 18. Which is super young for a person to have their gallbladder removed and looking like a fucked up burnt chicken thigh. Honestly, I dont give a flying fuck what society says. Its my mother. Like I said earlier, I'm a people pleaser. Especially when it comes to the people who created and raised me. All a child wants is parental acceptance. To constantly hear the fat, pudging, your-jeans-are-too-tight comments? Yes, it ruins your own self image.

I'm picking myself up, yet again in a different time of my life. I'm returning to blogging as an outlet and my self reflection. Writing is therapeutic. Maybe someday, I'll recover entirely, even if it occasionally comes crawling back into my life.