High School:
I was the girl with struggles, but held it together through the end of the day.
The girl who had visible and invisible scars.
The girl who strived, worked hard, and succeeded.
I was that girl that could go into ANY audition or interview, confident and usually it paid off.
I always held my head high, walked into any room like I owned it.
When in class, I was the kid who sat there quietly and finished the homework.
Who studied quietly, finishing assignments with ease and precision.
I wasn't intimidated easily, I embraced new opportunities to grow.
I volunteered, and was the best I could be.
Always on the honor roll, always above 3.5 GPA.
Involved in many clubs, and other extra curriculars.
I balanced Choir, Band, Being President of GSA, school work, dance, theatre, being part of Large group theatre, having a job and so much more.
Still succeeded in everything I did.
And still had time for myself, and doing my own thing.
At the end of the day, I was successful.
I graduated in the top 15% of my class,
graduated with National Honor Society title.
With all of those activities.
I accomplished so much in high school.
And now...
What do I have to say for myself?
I no longer live up to those expectations that I had.
Somehow in the matter of a year,
Holding it together stopped coming naturally.
I became depressed, developed anxiety
to the point of where it's crippling.
I can't even make it through everything.
I'm unfocused, not motivated.
I'm struggling to keep my grades up.
Any new experience scares the hell out of me.
My anxiety gets the best of me 90% of the time.
I can hardly keep up with anything.
I had to drop my extra-curriculars so I could strictly focus on school.
I've had to transfer schools,
I'm scared of failing completely.
And yet, I see it happening in front of my eyes.
I'm afraid of failing.
I'm scared that my depression will be the end of me.
The thing that makes me drop out of school,
not be successful.
I'm using all these resources,
and seeing no progress.
I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for anybody.
That no matter where I go, what I do, or how hard I try,
I will never get anywhere in life.
I'll be stuck like this.
I brutally honest to God hate who I've become.
I hate who I am now.
I want to be the old me again.
But I can't.
My anxiety and depression are going to get in the way.
I can try to brush it off,
I can act like it's no big deal,
I can try to not let these thoughts get to me,
but the reality is still there.
The feelings, thoughts are still there.
I can control it to some extent....
But not enough to get me back to that. I'm not proud of who I am now.
And if I'm not proud of me,
Who the hell should be?
and who the hell will be?
